Welcome back to another episode of Spicy Spectrum. I'm your dream girl at Peppercat, and today I want to talk about a question I've heard for years, both online and in my own work. If he wanted her so badly, why didn't he just date her? Now, this past Monday we held a Spicy Spectrum Live regarding this controversial topic of cheating. So if you missed it, it will be dropped on Patreon here and Substack this upcoming Friday. If one of those questions that sounds simple, this this is one of the questions that sounds very simple, but after years in the adult industry, I don't think the answer is simple at all as to if he wanted her so badly, why didn't he just date her? Now, before we get into the spicy conversation, let me make something very, very clear. Because I know what some people are thinking. Understanding why someone cheats is not the same thing as defending it. This whole podcast is about sharing my perspective, translating what I've heard, and unpacking the truth of it all. Cheating hurts people. It breaks trust, it can end families, it can end relationships. That's not what today's conversation is about. What interests me is what people are actually looking for when they make those decisions. Obviously, I speak to a lot of men. Those are my customers. I speak on the male, on male desire based on my own perspective, my own observations, and my own patterns that I recognize. So I'm gonna be I will be speaking on men, not for men, of what I see. I also looked at um the stats on those who listen to my podcast. And I just want to share this really quickly. When I first started this podcast, I had majority men listening to my podcast. Now, I have more women listening to this podcast. And I know some of you have found me, and I know you want the dirty truth. So I'm I'm gonna give it to you. I'm not gonna expose any names, I'm not gonna expose anyone. This is all based on personal observations and patterns, and I'm not doing anything for shock value. One thing I've noticed is that people assume, often assume an affair means the other person is somehow quote unquote better, right? So if somebody cheats on somebody else, they always think, well, they, you know, why did they cheat on me? Was it something that they did? Was it something that, you know, are they, are they, are they, are they better looking? You know, are they are they better in bed, more exciting? Sometimes that's true. I'm not gonna sit here and BS, right? A lot of people, especially men, from my observations, and I look, I would look, I would consider cheating when people go to adult sites, if that was established in the relationship. If a spouse says, I I this is what I consider cheating, and that includes adult sites, and that's cheating. If they say it doesn't, it doesn't. I'm not of the belief that someone is cheating when they go on a porn site just because the the other person doesn't like porn or something like if if you don't discuss what cheating is, that's that's a problem, but that's another conversation, right? And so a lot of the times, you know, cheating, there are a lot of layers. I've spoken to men who genuinely love their wives, they love their families, they have no intentions of leaving, and yet they still felt they they stay they still found themselves looking for something outside of the relationship. That always made me ask, what exactly were these men looking for? And I will base it off of what they're looking for when they come to me, when they come to women like me and they step out of their relationships. What are they looking for? Sometimes the answer was sexual compatibility. I hear this a lot from my clients when I ask them, hey, does your wife enjoy this? Because either I haven't tried or I've asked her and she doesn't want to do it. I've heard men say, I wish my wife enjoyed this. We, or we've never talked about it, or I don't think she'd ever go for that. I don't, I don't think she would ever go for what I do with you. And what's interesting is that many of them never actually ask. They just sneak around. Like they they they don't even give the opportunity to know if their wife would be into it or not. Now, I have heard from other men on the other side of the coin, if they're into something, and you know, I've seen this, and this includes extreme quote-unquote taboo. They're into something like race play or age play or a form of BDSM, they want a dominatrix, and they tell their spouse. I've encountered couples who have come to me for sessions where they're into something and they both enjoy it and they both get off on it because they were honest with each other. I've also had husbands say that they have told their wives they they are honest, and their wife isn't into it. But they're like, hey, you can go on this site, you can you can see her, you can, you can do this. I'm not into it, but if that's something you're into, you're honest, I I don't want to do it, but you can do it so as long as these are the stipulations, whatever the case may be. So I've seen different, I've seen different relationship dynamics of the reaction of their wives, of if they're into it or not, and how that plays out. I've seen a firsthand experience where I'm doing a session with a client and his wife walks in and he has to hang up. Or his wife caught him watching one of my videos, and he can't see me anymore, or he he says that and then he comes back like six months later, still sneaking around. And it keeps it it keeps me curious what what are men really looking for when they cheat and could a spouse say no with you know if they're into something? Absolutely, right? I gave eight examples of that, but she also never got the chance to say yes, and this is this is what I think is going on. Um and this is also based on how people are raised, right? I've spoken about the Madonna whore complex, about how there are men who may view women one way, right? They they have the wife, this is the pure, clean one, and then I want to visit the quote unquote whore, the slut who want to do this, and I want to keep these two things separate. I don't want to see my wife as dirty, I don't want to see her as unpure. Like, this is literally how a lot of people, a lot of men are programmed to think about women. I literally had um an adult performer on my show a couple weeks ago explain that when she got married, he didn't want to do the quote unquote nasty things that they did prior to when they got married. And this was someone in our industry. This was a woman who made porn. When she got married, he wanted her to be pure. He didn't want to do the nasty things that they used to do because of the label slapped on to her being a wife and a mother. And so what happens is that society puts people into boxes and categories. I've literally heard men say they want a woman who's sexually adventurous, who's open, who's confident, who likes to suck cock, right? Suck dick, right? I want, I want, I want a woman who who likes to be nasty. But in the in the same breath, when you finally come across a woman like that, you call her a whore. But if she's sexually compatible, what does that really say about you? Calling call, you're you're telling these women that they're not relationship material, and a wife may want to do those things, but she may be, she may not want to be seen as a whore or quote unquote whore or slut. Or she may not think she has the permission to be that. And she may have sexual shame. So I've always found that really interesting because if that's genuinely what you're if you're attracted to, why convince yourself that you shouldn't build a relationship with someone who's compatible with you? Sometimes I wonder how much of that comes from the fear of what other people may think. A lot of men care about what other men think of them. I've heard it with their own mouth. I am an am an ebony content creator. So I make a lot of content and I attract a lot of men of all colors who are interested in ebony women. They may want to have an ebony fantasy or, you know, uh speak to a black woman. They may want to do a session with a black woman. A lot of these guys have white wives or wives who are not black, who are non-black. I've seen it online, I've heard it in conversations, I've heard it on podcasts, but I'm speaking on my experience of a lot of men caring what their peers thought about them. I've literally heard men tell me. I've always wanted to marry a black woman, or I've and this is just one example. I've always wanted to marry a black woman. I used to have this black girlfriend, I really wanted to marry her, but I grew up, you know, in a community where that was not acceptable. So I end up marrying a woman who was my same skin tone. I I married a white woman. But I really wanted to marry my high school sweetheart or whatever. And so now they're reliving that experience with me. You know, they they may want me to play as their high school sweetheart, you know, that they've always wanted to be with, or they want to relive that experience. I've seen that. I've seen men who are secretly bisexual or who like to sleep with trans women, and they have wives and families, and they present as straight, but they but that's not who they are. And so they come to me and they and they and they and they confess their dirty secrets. They confess that they travel on work trips or whatever, and they sleep with other men. Or they sleep with their neighbor or the plumber who comes over. These are like real, this is common. Like they have these secret lives and they're cheating on their on their spouses, living in their truth with someone else, and their spouse has no idea who they really are, all because they care about what other people think of them, instead of just being who you are and being honest. Or they sleep with their coworker who was sexually open, more open than their wife. Or they sleep with bigger set women, or they or they or they have a BBW fantasy and they hire or they pay for a cam session with a woman who is BBW. When they can just say that that's what they really like, but they don't. People judge women who for being sexually open while privately searching for someone exactly like that. Do you know how many times I've been online and I've seen men, especially on X, for some reason, X, when likes were public and they would make comments under me. Um it was so funny. One time this guy he said something about how he didn't like gay people. I go to his um re I go to his replies, and he's literally commenting other under gay porn on Twitter, like, or he's liking it, or he's like, you know, interacting and and engaging with it, but you're saying you don't like that, but you do, you do, right? And so there's a contradiction there, right? And another thing I've learned is that relationship compatibility and sexual compati compatibility aren't always the same thing. Some couples communicate really well. They they they parent well together, they build businesses together, they're in incredible teammates, but they've never had an honest conversation about what they actually want in the bedroom, and years go by. How many times do you do you hear about somebody or or you, you may be listening to this and you caught your spouse watching porn or on a campsite? Why was that conversation not brought up in the beginning of the relationship if you or the other spouse enjoyed porn? It's nothing wrong with watching porn, by the way. Date someone who likes and feels comfortable with you watching porn. If you don't feel comfortable with your spouse watching porn, date someone who doesn't. Why was that conversation not in the beginning? I don't understand, and then and this is just me. I don't understand why these conversations about what do you like in the bedroom, well, I do understand, but I'm I'm pointing it out. I just I personally don't understand, you know, why the person who's watching porn just can't just flat out say, hey honey, I like watching porn. I like going on campsites, I I I watch porn because I'm into this. You want to try this? Or the other person, the woman, you should ask. I'm just being honest, you should ask, just like the guy should be truthful, it it should be discussed in the beginning of a relationship. If somebody likes to if they like certain things in the bedroom, or if they like to visit adult sites, why is it that you find out that they like to watch porn when you catch it in the history tabs? Why didn't you all have this conversation? And I know the conversation doesn't happen. I know it. I know it because you don't think to ask that because you assume that they don't do that, or you don't want to know the answer when you step out and you really want to be in an open relationship, why not date someone who wants that too? Or why not ask a man are you into an open relationship? I think people just don't want to know the answer, or you really don't think you should have to ask, or you're literally assuming the other person is who you think they are, and that's not always the case. Also, I'm just being honest. It's okay to ask someone if they sleep with the same sex. Why not? There's nothing wrong with that. Just just be honest. These kind, these, these questions are not being asked in the beginning of relationships. Years go by and you find out that you're in a relationship or married to someone you don't know, and the other person is not honest either. Just tell the person up front. But it's either the person who's cheating cares what other people think, so they sneak around and they care about what other people think of who they really are, and then the other on the other side of the coin, the other person who's being who's being cheated on, and I'm not I'm not blaming anyone, so don't say that. The conversation never happened, and you're assuming your spouse is who you think they are, and they may not be. They may not be. And so I think a conversation needs to be had on both ends. And that's why like I don't really get shocked when I see those stories about celebrities being cheated on and all that. It's just like because we like to place labels on each other and on ourselves, we we we we hide who we really are and we're not truthful, and also we like to believe what we want to believe, and we don't like to actually hear the truth of who somebody is. That's just what it is. So I think a lot of these conversations feel impossible to start, and when people stop talking, sometimes they start looking elsewhere, and that doesn't make it right, but it does make me wonder how many affairs begin long before someone even meets another person. Maybe they begin with years of silence, maybe they begin with assumptions, like I said earlier, maybe they begin with embarrassment, or maybe they begin with believing your partner could could never understand you. I've had, I've also had men tell me something that stuck with me. I had a spicy confession a couple of years back, and I straight up asked this guy, and this guy dates, he dates women, and he also goes on adult sites. I asked him, why do you go on these sites knowing that you have a partner, right? Even if you're dating around or you're in a relationship, and he straight up said, he said, I like different flavors, I like trying different things, I love variety. That's what he said. Men enjoy variety, people enjoy. I love variety. That doesn't mean everyone should act on it. It doesn't mean everyone should be in a in a monogamous relationship, and it certainly doesn't mean everyone cheats, but I do think. We spend so much time pretending humans don't crave novelty that we never have honest conversations about those feelings and what they actually mean. And if men were truly honest, you may not like the answer. Some people thrive in monogamy and some people don't. Based on cheating, it is my belief that a lot of people don't. But they still get into relationships, even though they know that they're going to cheat. Most people who cheat know that they're gonna do it. It's not a matter of if, but when. Some couples create relationships that work for them, and others never discuss it. I see this a lot with my clients who may come from religious backgrounds, who may be Christian, and they don't even discuss porn. They don't even discuss non-monogamous relationships. And so because of the religion they may be into or in or practicing, those they don't think those conversations are necessary. Because of course my spouse wouldn't do that. He's a Christian man. Or of course my wife may react poorly. She's a Christian woman, so I'm just gonna not tell her. The point isn't to tell people what kind of relationship they should have, the point is to encourage people to actually have the conversation. Because I've learned something after years of private conversations with men. Secrets usually grow louder when they aren't spoken. And I love to hear your thoughts. Do you think most affairs begin because someone found someone quote unquote better? Or do you think they begin with conversations that never happen in the first place? Let me know what you think. Put it in the comments. Send me a message. If you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to read the Subseck I dropped on Tuesday. If you missed the spicy live that we had this past Monday, the replay will be available on SubSec, Patreon, and here this upcoming Friday. Stay tuned. On Subsec, we did dive deeper into the topic. And I gave something special for my spicy supporters over there in that article as well. If you'd like to support the show, you can join my Patreon for bonus content, especially if you are a visual learner. Visit my throne wish list. All of all of my Substack Patreon and Throne are in my um show notes as well. So I'm I made it easy for you. In my Cash App, Pepper Productions. That's also in the show notes. If you'd like to directly support the show, and if you're interested in a personalized fantasy experience with me, you can learn more about Design Your Dream Girl on my website, designerdreamgirl.com, which is also in the show notes. Thank you for sticking by. I know this conversation was a little controversial. Especially if you may have disagreed. I appreciate you for making it this far. If you resonated with it, I I appreciate you too. And as always, I'll see you next time. Same spicy channel, same spicy time.