Some men don't keep returning to a mistress because they're looking for another wife. They may not want another girlfriend either. And sometimes they keep returning because that's the only place where they feel like they can finally exile. And once you understand that, the conversation becomes more complicated than just asking why doesn't he just stop? Welcome back to Spicy Spectrum. It's your dream girl pepper cat. And today we're talking about why some men never leave their mistress. I originally wrote about this subject on what he's thinking through SubSec, where I translate some of the patterns I've noticed after years of hearing what men say privately. And this past Monday, we held a Spicy Spectrum live on TikTok from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time to discuss more about this topic. And if you missed that live, it will be dropped this upcoming Friday on Subsect and Spicy Spectrum after dark on Patreon. And both of those links are in the show notes. And you can watch them and see and hear the guest. Sometimes it gets a little it gets a little interesting during those lives. Lots of controversy. And I wanted to bring it all together and create a conversation here that deserves more nuance. So there are also a few things I didn't get to address in the article that I want to explore with you today as well. But before we go any further, we need to clarify what I mean by the word mistress. When most people hear mistress, they immediately imagine affair. And they usually picture a married man secretly meeting another woman, meeting his wife's back. But I want to clarify that within BDSM, mistress can also be a title. It may refer to a professional dominatrix or a woman who leads a power exchange power exchange dynamic. I am a mistress. Right? I participate in BDSM. I have subs. And just to clarify, I'm a switch. I don't hide that. Which means I participate in both being dominant and submissive based on the client. But I am in fact a mistress, so I can speak on this. And sometimes speaking that relationship between a mistress and a client. And most cases, the mistress is the woman, the client is the man, but it can also switch. But for the majority cases, from what I've seen, it's usually that dynamic. This relationship, for the most part, is strictly professional. And sometimes there may be an emotional connection. Sometimes it overlaps with a romantic relationship. And sometimes it doesn't. It all depends on the individual. And so those are very different situations. And I don't want to carelessly group all of them together. And I don't want you to take from this um a generalization of what and who a mistress is and what she does. So I've met clients whose wives knew exactly where they were. I've met um couples who've discussed and negotiated their boundaries together. I've also encountered situations involving secrecy and dishonesty and broken agreements. But for the most part, for me personally, most of my subs, their partner knows who I am. A husband visiting a professional with his wife, with his wife's knowledge is not the same as a situation where someone is secretly having an affair like with their co-worker or with their neighbor. And even when the experience looks very similar to an outsider, the agreements within the relationships do make a difference. And I want to make something very clear before anyone misunderstands me, because I know that happens a lot, necessarily online, podcasts, and media. Understanding why someone does something such as cheating, such as having a mistress, such as seeing a sex worker, that doesn't mean I'm excusing someone for lying. I can explore the emotional and the side and the psychological reasons behind secrecy without saying dishonesty is acceptable. And the reason why I'm saying this is because, and I knew this was going to happen, and that's okay. When I post on social media, oftentimes I get from both men and women when I when I talk about this topic, I immediately see people in the comments like, there is no reason why it's um wrong. There is no explanation why, you know, such and such. All that matters is that cheating is wrong. And what people will fail to realize is that social media has niches. So my niche, this is part of my niche, this is a part of my niche. And so sometimes I may not be for you. So this is for people who want to understand. If you just think cheating is wrong and seeing a mission's is wrong and there's no explanation needed, this is not the space for you. So I'm I'm just I'm just being honest, okay? And so this episode is not about defending cheating, it's about examining what may be happening underneath the behavior. That's what I'm more interested in. And if you're listening to this and you found me, I'm assuming you're interested in that as well. So welcome. So let's get into this spicy episode. One of the biggest things people misunderstand is that another woman is not always auditioning to replace the woman at home. For example, I have no desire to marry my married clients with within any kind of uh adult work. I am not waiting for him to leave his wife and to propose to her to me. This is an exchange. Okay. And a man may not may have no intention of leaving his wife, and I and and I and I understand that as well. And so he may love her, he may love the family and the life that they created together, and he may not want to lose his home, he may not want to pay for in a pay for a divorce, even he may not want to lose his children or his relationship, and he may not want to wake up beside the mistress every morning because let's be honest, that's not her role. He may not want to pay the bills with her. Now he may pay her bills. That's another story. But he he may not want to raise his children with her or introduce her to his family. That's not her role, and that's not what he what he expects her to do. And he may simply want one hour when nobody needs him to be the father, to be the husband, to be the boss, the provider or problem solver. And so there is a big difference between wanting another life and wanting temporary relief from your existing life. That's why the adult world involves a lot of men who may be escaping something in their real life and they want to go into a fantasy. They want to tap into a space within themselves where they can show another side of themselves that they don't show to the world. And so that's why a lot of men who have mistresses see them because it brings out a different side of them that they hide from people who they know in their real life. And there is also a difference between wanting another person and wanting access to another version of yourself. And this is where this conversation becomes interesting to me because sometimes people believe they are attached to a person when they are actually attached to how they feel around that person or to the fantasy of that person. My clients are attached to the fantasy of who they see, to the experience of him and I and what's happening. They miss the feeling of being free, the feeling of being desired, the feeling of being playful, of being silly sometimes, of being understood, having their kinks or fetishes or whatever that's in their head, a lot of the guys I come across, they miss that either they miss the feeling of being understood or they've never experienced it, and that's why they're here. And so they miss the versions of themselves that becomes available inside that relationship. So when a man keeps returning to the same mistress, or sometimes they have multiple, but most of them had one mistress, right, that they're devoted to. On social media where you'll see comments from people who are not in our industry say, but your um clients will never marry you. They don't want to, you know, propose to a woman like you, and people often forget them. This is a transaction, and when somebody pays for a service within this world, everyone knows why they're here. And I started wondering what part of himself, when it comes to clients who do see mistresses, what is he returning to? So when I say that, I'm saying to ask these questions, such as, does he become more playful around the mistress? And what does that look like? Does he surrender control and why? Or does he admit the fears he hides from from everyone else? Does he receive attention without having to earn it first? Or does he feel wanted instead of merely need it? Does he feel like a man rather than only a provider? So I've spent years talking with men who have trusted me with enough to share things they weren't telling anyone else. Oftentimes they tell me things that the people in their life will never know about, ever, unless they find out by accident or snoop around. A lot of these secrets will never come out. I'm talking about the ones who don't tell their partners that they're seeing sex workers, mistresses, anyone outside of their relationship. And when you have enough of these private conversations, you start noticing patterns. And that's why I have this podcast because I do like sharing the patterns that I see because I think they're in and important and they go beyond the surface level of for example, cheating, right? And I've talked to men in powerful positions who have spent their entire day making important decisions, and uh men where people come to them for answers, or their employees that need some sort of direction, or clients who need solutions to a problem, or families that may depend on them financially or emotionally, a lot of pleasure, a lot of pressure, right, from society. And so they are expected to remain calm, to be confident, to have some sense of control of their environment or the people who work for them or the families who are depending on them. And so in the private space where I am and where other people like me are in for an hour or whatever the case may be, someone else makes the decision for them. So oftentimes, like for me, I give my subs homework, I give them an assignment. I I tell them what to do, right? And they are expected to finish and complete that assignment based on whatever they're into or whatever's going on, and they report it back to me, right? And then I whatever the case may be, and then we continue from there. And so, you know, oftentimes someone someone else tells them what to do. I tell them what to do, someone else gives them permission to stop being responsible for everything. Right? And I've talked to fathers who spend nearly every waking moment caring for someone else. They're providing, they're they're solving problems, they're trying to be dependable husbands and present or and be present fathers. At the same time, they realize that they can't remember the last time someone else asked what they needed, or the last time they can just not have control at all, and them not make any decisions, and um, so that's what I've seen in terms of the patterns of my clients. Um, and a lot of times, what some people don't understand is that the fantasies that these guys participate in, it gives them permission, right? It may not be something they actually want to do in real life, it may just be a fantasy, or it may be a fantasy that they actually do want to be or do in real life, right? And it doesn't matter which way they go, when they come into a space like this, right? The adult world, they are it is a fantasy that provides perm permission to let go, permission to stop performing in the real world, wearing a mask, lying, living double lives. They have permission to be submissive, to to to be playful, to be curious, to be emotional, to be completely quiet. If you just tell them, shut up, shut that up. I mean, just being honest, sometimes you just tell them, shut up, stop talking, or the permission to admit that they're tired. The permission to not always have the answer and people coming to them to give them an answer, right? And so it's the permission to receive without being expected to provide something first. And so I want to say this when especially married men, because the majority, uh, at least from what I've seen and what I've heard from other um professionals in my world, is that the majority of our clients are married men, partnered men who have fiancees, who have girlfriends. This doesn't mean that their relationship with their committed partners are terrible. It could mean that, but that's not always the case. Um, it doesn't automatically mean that their wife is neglecting them or doing something wrong. Sometimes it means that they have spent too long performing different roles that they no longer know how to put those roles down. When I say this, I mean this. The mistress and the wife slash girlfriend slash fiance, those two roles fulfill, for example, a husband or whoever the guy is seeking the mistress. Those two roles fulfill different needs. And a lot of times, a husband who seeks a mistress, he can't get, he he's getting what he gets from the mistress that he can't get from his wife. Now, I'm not saying a wife can, you know, you know, dress or uh participate in any form of BBSM with her partner. I'm not saying that that's not possible, but let's be honest, if you're a mother and you're also a wife and you're also working, or you you you also have these all all these roles, do you have time to be his mistress as well? I'm I'm just being all like it's it's it's a lot, it's a lot of work, right? Um and so at home, he may be the husband and father. At work, he he may be the boss or the person everyone depends on. And around his friends, he may be funny, you know, he may be the strong one, or he may be the person who never allows anything to bother him. Whatever the version he's sharing, each each space he's sharing a different version of himself. And each version of himself comes with a set of X. Expectations. And so when he enters a private adult space in person, online, whatever the case may be, none of those versions that he put performs for everyone else, it's not required here. And so he doesn't have to be in presses. I don't find oh shit. I'm sorry. You know, I'm not sorry. You know, I don't find some of my subs in presses. He doesn't have to be strong. I don't see some of them as strong. I see them as weak. And and they actually like that. But that another story, okay? He doesn't have to prove anything, he can simply exist. And this is why I think we need to ask a different set of questions. Because if he's attached to the mistress herself, or is attached to the version of himself that only appears around her, maybe he shows a different side of himself that he's been waiting on for that side to come out, or that he's looking for, right? Maybe he explores fantasies that do not fit the version of masculinity he presents publicly. And I will give an example. For example, I have a couple of subs who really enjoy cross-dressing. They really enjoy wearing lipstick, heels, um, nylon stockings. That's that's a huge one. Wigs. They really enjoy dressing as women. They they they they love being feminine, right? They they love being the opposite of who they present themselves in public. I have seen, I have seen, for example, and this is a pattern. I'm not calling out any certain client. I've seen men in the military, big muscles, right? Want me to dress them up in nylon stockings and lipstick and be my little bitch because they like it. They can't be a bitch on the on the field, quote unquote bitch. When I say, hey, look, hey the when I say bitch, you know, I mean, you know, be, you know, that's the term that we use too in our world, right? I want to be your bitch, right? So they he he he wants to surrender control after spending every day making a decision, right? So I want I want you all to think about what does this mean, right? What if a mistress is simply the doorway to a part of him a part of himself that he doesn't or he hasn't been able to access it anywhere else? What if a mistress regulates him in a way that he can't get elsewhere? That's why he goes to her. So from the outside, the relationship may look entirely sexual. People may assume she must be younger, prettier, more adventurous, or somehow physically better than his wife. Let me tell you something. Mistresses come in all different colors, sizes, genders, um, ages. There is no age requirement to be a mistress. I don't care what anyone says that you have to be in your 20s and young and all that. No, a mistress can be in her 50s. In fact, a lot of men, a lot of these guys will have mistresses for years. A mistress can be in her 70s. A mistress can be any size, it doesn't matter, it's all what he's looking for in a mistress. She could be black, white, whatever, right? People may assume that she has to look and be a certain way. And this is a very simplistic way to understand human attachment. And people don't only attach themselves to uh appearances, people, especially the male clients in this um world, they attach themselves to the actual experience that they're getting. They are paying for an experience they can't get anywhere else, and they return to the places where they feel seen. They return to people who accept the parts of themselves that everyone else overlooks. They return to spaces where they don't have to explain every contradiction inside themselves. They don't have to explain why they like dressing like women. They don't have to explain why they want to be someone's bitch, they don't have to explain why they want to bark or be put in a cage. I like fitting men in cages. Sometimes revealing an unusual fantasy feels more vulnerable than being physically naked. You can take your clothes off without someone, without showing someone who you really are. And sometimes telling the truth about what you actually desire is more, is a more intimate form of nudity. And that's what people don't understand. And that's what I mean, and I've said this before, that our work goes beyond the physical, it is psychological, it is em it is an emotional experience, even if it's not it, it doesn't display in the way someone thinks as emotional, it's still there. And so when someone accepts that hidden fantasy without laughing or or feeling like they're being judged or being shamed, it can feel like they are accepting the hidden person behind it. And that can create an attachment that is much deeper than sexual excitement. I have c I have had clients for years. They're not just coming because I'm pretty coming. That's that. They're not just coming because I'm pretty, they're coming because of the words coming out of my mouth, the experience that I am creating for them. That's why they keep coming back. That's why when people say that I, me, and uh another woman like me are going to age out of our out of our industry, I I laugh because people don't understand. It goes for it goes deeper than that. Right? So now this is something I did not fully address in the article, but I'm going to explain it here. When a person, especially men who come into these spaces, hides a desire, that does not automatically mean their partner created an emotionally unsafe relationship. So sometimes the partner may have not been completely willing to listen. They may have found some porn and they may have said, stop watching that, and they didn't ask any questions. Sometimes he never gave her the opportunity to even learn more about what he's into. He just made an uh an assumption that she won't be understanding of what he's into. Sometimes his shame may have existed long before he met her. It may have been um something that he grew up with or or or his in is environment. Maybe he learned that vulnerability makes a man weak. Maybe he grew up believing that submission is humiliating, or that feeling humiliated is wrong. Because let's be honest, a lot of a lot of men who are submissive love being humiliated. But there's a taboo in that that a lot of them sometimes may have trouble accepting. Maybe his religion or family or community taught him that certain d desires make him less masculine. Maybe he decided that his wife may reject him without even asking her. And so there is a difference between um saying, for example, I tried to tell my partner or she shamed me, and saying, Oh, I assume she would shame me, so I never told her. That's common. I have a lot of men where I'll ask him, hey, like, did you ever even ask your wife if she's into this or even told her? And he's like, Well, no, I know that she wouldn't go through this. And so there is also a difference between being afraid to tell the truth and wanting the freedom of secrecy without accepting the quant the consequences of honesty. And I'm and I'm and I'm gonna be honest about this, and I think that is exactly why he a lot. I think this is one of the main reasons why a lot of men step out and they are not honest because they are afraid of the consequences of showing up. You, if you're listening and you lie about anything in terms of you not sharing, you are afraid of the consequences of being honest. Sometimes a relationship may have not been safe, right? They may have felt unsafe. Sometimes his own shame has convinced him that honesty is in possible. And sometimes if we're being completely honest, he simply wanted to have both. And that and and and and that that happens a lot. That happens a lot, right? So we do not have to turn every act of dishonesty into a deep emotional mystery. Okay, it's sometimes men are selfish, sometimes men enjoy novelty, and sometimes the risk of secrecy is a part of the excitement. I can't tell you how many times I've had guys who are into cheating fantasies, home-wrecking fantasies admit that they get off on it. It makes their dicks hard. Being secretive. I have literally spoken to men with their wives in the next room, their girlfriends in the next room. They get off on being caught, their girlfriends walking in on them and jerking off on the phone with me. Sometimes a person wants the stability of a committed relationship while also enjoying the the freedom of acting as if they are single. Very common. Am I wrong? Sometimes a man may want multiple options. Uh-oh, I'm gonna hit a nerve. Without having the uncomfortable conversation required to negotiate the relationship. And a person may even use emotional satisfaction to rationalize selfish behavior. Am I wrong? And so that is why I think that we have to hold more than one possibility when it comes to these topics at the same time. He may keep returning because he may feel that emotional freedom. He enjoys the secrecy. He can excel. Or he simply wants the best of both worlds. I have a wife here, a mistress here, um, a side woman here. And so those are not the same stories, even if we look, even if they look similar from the outside. And all of that can be all at once, or it can be separate, right? And so I want to leave you with this before we close out because pepper has my wife. But I didn't want to break it down. I want to mention something that often disappears from these conversations that we have, and then I close out with a big question. We talk so much about the man and his marriage that the mistress becomes a symbol instead of a human being. A professional mistress is providing a service, and she is not volunteering her time for free to repair someone's um marriage. She may have her own boundaries, she has her emotional needs, she has a life, she has a personal life, she may have a family, she may not want to become his girlfriend or even have him leave his wife. I'm talking about the professional mistress, not the mistress who he's working with, not the mistress, you know, who he met at the coffee shop. I'm not talking about her, I'm talking about the one he's paying. She may understand that he is attached to the environment that she creates rather than to her personally, and she's okay with that, depending on the situation. And so being the first person someone confesses to does not mean you are responsible for fixing the life that the client returns to. And that is a part of professional adult work that people often overlook. And so the session may end, but holding space for someone's hidden desires, their shame that they hold, the vulnerability that they have, or the emotional release is still a blame of work. So I think the larger question is not whether every man needs a mistress. The better question is why some people believe they cannot tell the person they love what they actually are searching for. Is it because their partner has rejected them? Is it because they are ashamed of themselves? Is it because the couple is fundamentally incompatible in the bedroom sexually? Is it because they want something their partner cannot ethically or emotionally provide? Or is it because secrecy allows them to avoid making a difficult decision, such as walking away or just being honest and understanding that there are consequences that may come about? So the answer will be different for everyone, but if we only judge the final behavior, we miss everything that happened beforehand. And so I'm just gonna be honest, people rarely wake up one morning and suddenly decide to go on a foreign site or to go on a campsite or find a mistress. Usually that person has been carrying and carrying, carrying an unspoken conversation inside themselves for months and years. And I've actually heard men say that I've been thinking about this and I finally decided to come on this site. I've been thinking about this and I finally said, okay, let me just get a give it a try. And so then another person enters the picture. And so from the outside, it may look like that person has caused disruption, but sometimes the silence had already done most of the damage. And quite honestly, when it comes to that, I just I really don't approve of um blaming the other person for a husband, boyfriend, fiance's actions. He is a grown man with a fully developed brain. So the other person, such as the mistress, the mistress, may simply uh reveal what was missing, what he was hiding, and or something that was unresolved, and that doesn't make betrayal acceptable, but it does mean that if we want to understand how relationships reach that point, we have to examine what happens before the betrayal. And so that's why I wanted to have this conversation. I like to dive deeper beyond the surface. And so if this episode brought up something happening in your own relationship or something you have been caring privately, if you're a man or a woman, I offer pepper's perspectives. I've I I have been holding sessions, have been getting great feedback. And these are private one-on-one audio conversations where we can talk through relationships, desires, fantasies, communication, adult content, or there may be a situation where you may feel where you may not feel comfortable discussing with anyone else. And so I want to be clear that one, I've been getting positive feedback. Like I said before, they've enjoyed the experience and I've been enjoying it as well. And also, too, this is not therapy. It is an educational, judgment-free conversation informed by my years of experience with talking to thousands of men about sex, fantasy, relationships, and the things they often feel unable to say anywhere else. And so you can find more information at designyourdreamgirl.com under the spicy spectrum tab, or you can visit spicyspectrumpcast.com and you'll see the direct link in the description on the home page of the podcast page. So you can find more information. You can book for a private conversation. The link is also in the show notes if you didn't memorize those website. And I also spoke about this subject during Spicy Spection Live. Spicy Spection Live is every Monday from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on TikTok. Now, I may be expanding that conversation on other platforms, so stay tuned. But for right now, we're on TikTok, and that link is also in the show notes. If you join me live, thank you so much for being a part of my conversations. And if you missed it, you can watch the video replay through what he's thinking on Subset or Spicy Spectrum After Dark on Patreon. And if you just prefer just the audio version and you don't care to watch it, you can also listen through spicyspectionpodcast.com. Um, and you can be a spicy supporter through any of those platforms. Thank you for those who are subscribed. The video versions are available through Subsect and Patreon, and the audio version is SpicySpression Podcast on. All the links are in the show notes. One more announcement before we go. If you don't know, no, Spicy Spectrum has a has a YouTube channel. We are on YouTube, baby. Alright. I post new content long form and short form weekly, including shorts, podcast flips, as well as my monthly Beyond the Episode segment that I've been holding. I think I've dropped two so far. So Beyond the Episode is my monthly uh YouTube series where I continue, can continue the conversation beyond what you heard in the original podcast. And it's a video version, so you can actually see me on YouTube. And again, there are two episodes waiting for you right now. So subscribe, catch up, and make sure you don't miss the next one. The link to the Spicy Spectrum Podcast YouTube channel is in the show notes, or you could literally type in Spicy Spectrum Podcast. It'll pop right up. The little pepper that looks like a penis, you all know the logo. That's it's the same everywhere. And especially if you are one of those clients, one of my clients, or you follow my adult work. Please follow me on more than one platform. I'm saying this, and I'm gonna say it again. I can't tell you how many clients have told me that they could not find me, that they got deleted from some website or kicked off, or one of their accounts shut down and you can't find me. Please follow more than one social media site. If you listen to my podcasts, subscribe so you can get the notifications. Even if you don't listen to every episode, this is this is where you can hear all my announcements. But also follow me on social media because I post weekly. And it's just a good way to keep up, you know, yeah, figure out what's what's going on. So my podcast is not going anywhere. We're here to stay, but social media can change anytime. Pepper can be kicked off an adult site at any time, so do not depend on any of those naughty sites that I'm on, alright? So follow me on more than one place. I made it easy on my link tree. The link is in the show notes, right? You can keep up with my content, when I'm available, when I'm live, any announcements, and everything um happening across the spicy spectrum world. So thank you so much for listening to Spicy Spectrum. And remember, understanding someone's behavior does not mean excusing it. And sometimes he keeps returning because of sex. Sometimes it's excitement, sometimes he's selfish. The adult world is the only place where a hidden part of him feels allowed to exist. So maybe the most revealing question is not simply why did he cheat? Maybe it's what truth did he believe he could never say out loud? Something to think about. So until next time. Never be afraid to explore your full spectrum of desire. And I'll see you same spicy channel, same spicy time. Thank you so much. And I'll see you on I'll see you on Monday. I'll see you on Monday on Spicy Inspection Live. I'll have to see you there. Thank you for joining me.