A man can have sex available to him at home and still search for attention somewhere else because sometimes he isn't chasing another body. He may be uh chasing the feeling of being uh noticed, he may be chasing the feeling of being chosen, and he also may be chasing proof that somebody still wants him. And sometimes that looks like a man chasing sex is really a man really what he's looking for, he's chasing validation. Welcome back to Spicy Spectrum. It's your dream girl Pepper Cat, and today we're talking about why some men cheat for validation, not necessarily sex, but I'm not discounting that that's not involved. I recently wrote about this subject on what he's thinking on my subsec, where I translate the patterns I've noticed after years of hearing thousands of men and what they tell me privately when no one's around. But today I want to take the conversation a little further. We're going to explore the difference between feeling loved and feeling desired, why some men search for attention, even when they may have a loving partner, and also why validation can become almost addictive when somebody hasn't felt seen in a very long time. And before we begin, I want to make my position clear because I know how things get misunderstood. Understanding why someone seeks validation outside of a committed relationship does not excuse cheating, and it doesn't make any sort of deception acceptable. So I'm explaining the pattern because I believe that understanding what someone was searching for or going deeper than what we see on the surface often tells us more than simply just judging. Um, and then it helps us just figure out why. Because I know some may come, some of you who are listening may be wondering why, and you may be searching for answers. So one of the biggest misconceptions I've seen is the assumption that every man who cheats is simply looking for sex or physical intimacy. Now, this is true, right? I'm not saying that sex is not a part of it. It is a part of it, but I'm also saying that there's more. After years of speaking with men through my cam sessions, phone calls, messages, and uh, and other adult services and spaces, I've learned that sex is often where the conversation begins, but it's not always where it ends. A lot of times people assume that the adult industry is solely based on physical sex and there's nothing else. There's a there are other pieces as to why people may come into these spaces. A man may be initially contacting me because he likes how I look, right? So that's number one. Obviously, these sites, you see the person, you see their physical body, you see different pictures, maybe some clips, read their bio, and you that that's the that is the first thing. So it is physical, right? In terms of looking for what's uh attractive and who's uh attractive and who they feel that they may be most compatible for when it comes to a certain fantasy or a certain role play, right? I'm in the ebony category, but obviously there's other categories under that. But if somebody wants an ebony um performer or an ebony uh you know Kamoto or whatever, like that's what they're looking for, right? So that is a part of it, the physical, but also they may also be contacting me again, like I said, for a particular fantasy that I represent. Often guys who may come to me for interracial fantasies, I've I've spoken about this numerous times. I have a curvy body with like big breasts, small waist, big butt. And so that usually attracts men who may be into brit breed play and pregnation fantasying. I'm just being honest, because I have big hips. Um what else? Yeah, some may, oh, they're and I'll have men who may contact me for BDSM. So, you know, that may involve me being submissive or being dominant, depending on what they're looking for and how I look to them. So obviously, other women may have different categories for them based on their physical appearance as well. Um, and also he may want a sexual experience, right? But if we continue looking at this long enough and talking about this long enough, the deeper reason often begins to reveal itself. It's deeper than the physical part. He may tell me that, for example, he loves his partner, or he may say that she is beautiful and supportive, a wonderful mother, wonderful wife, a wonderful best friend. Then he'll also say something like, Oh, I just wanted to feel wanted again. So, and I'm not excusing him wanting to feel wanted again because I'm gonna be honest, I often feel so I've the with the clients who I see this with, the pattern I see usually are men who say things like that are men who have pregnant wives, um, who may have or they may be older men, with obviously older women if they marry someone their same age, similar age. So that's interesting. So, um, and I don't, I I definitely don't excuse that feeling. Like, you know, if your wife is pregnant, like she's pregnant, she can't focus on you right now, or or if the baby's here, you know, she has a responsibility, right? Or if your wife is older, you know, but it's just that's another story, right? So, you know, a lot of times they may not want another girlfriend, or they're not gonna most of them don't leave their partners for sex workers, and we don't want them, just to be clear, you we don't want to marry our clients. I'm not saying that that doesn't happen, it does, but it's not just like any industry, you know, some people may marry someone on the job or marry a client, you know, so that's across the board. Um, yeah, and also too um I want to point out too that based on my patterns and what I've seen is that the feeling of wanting to feel desired is not always the same as wanting another relationship. And the client who, for example, sees me, he may not want the person giving him attention outside of the fantasy. Um or he he doesn't, they're not looking to be in relationships with us, right? He wants the fantasy here, he wants the experience that's happening now, but he doesn't want it outside of what's happening. It's a transaction. Everyone knows why we're here. He's here to pay for a service, we're here to entertain or fulfill some fantasy that he has. That's literally why the space exists. And with all of that, he may still want proof that he's still desired. He wants that validation, that physical validation, um, the validation for his actual fantasy, right? The val the the validation of the identity that he's showing us. So the side that we see, he wants that validated. So this is where um from what I've seen, because I I do, I'm I see a lot of of those like dating reality shows and podcasts, and I see conversations online. I date, right? So um out around people who are dating, and I see many couples unintentionally begin speaking two different languages um when it comes to love versus desire. And I I'm not saying that they can't um grow together. I think you need both love and the desire and relationships. Everybody wants to feel some sort of love, everyone wants to feel some um being desired and the feeling of being desired, sexually desired. It's a part of who we are as humans. And you know, even me and I'm speaking on experience. At the beginning of relationships, people flare, they compliment each other, they make time for each other, just excitement, right? Um, they make time to hang out together and touch each other. Everyone calls it the honeymoon phase, right? Um, they want to be connected. And then sometimes if you go any further, such as um long-term relationships or even married as well, you know, there are other things that are connected, such as children or different um responsibilities or chores, or whatever the case may be, right? That comes with being with someone long term. And over time, the love may begin to express itself differently. People may show up differently. Love starts looking like picking up groceries or paying bills or um safety, making sure your partner is safe, or it may look like taking care of children or remembering appointments or anything that comes with um responsibilities in terms of looking out for one another and um taking care of business. So those are all meaningful expressions of love, but desire speaks a little differently, and I see it a lot in my world when it comes to someone wanting sexual desire. Desire means that you that you still see the person, you know, you you feel wanted, you feel excited, you feel sexually curious, and a person can know that they are deeply loved while no longer feeling desired. And I think that distinction matters when we talk about topics like this. Um, and I want to talk and expand more about partnership, um, and how it can also be partnered with attention, sexual attention, um, and how, and I've seen this where some people may be dating, and then they may feel less like they're not feeling sexually desired anymore. Especially like when it comes to the conversations centered around the Madonna whore complex, for example, where you know, you get prior to marriage, you know, you're doing all the freaky stuff, or you know, you're in the honeymoon phase, or whatever the case may be in terms of the relationship. But then when you get married, there may be other responsibilities and your identity changes. And so you may feel less sexually desired by your partner. And oftentimes, I know a lot of women too may experience this when they become mothers or wives, um, where their partner, who's usually a man, may view them differently, they may not view them as the sexual being that they once saw them as once they're a mother or a wife, depending on the relationship dynamic and also the depending on the inner work, too, because I think it takes a lot of inner work to understand that someone can be both, you know, sexually desire and also be a mother and a wife. And um, but I know that's not always the case for for some people, and then on the other side of the coin, a woman may feel some sort of shame too to be sexually open and feel some sort of shame with that and what that says about her identity. And um, yeah, I've seen that I've and I I also, you know, um I think also too, people get comfortable in relationships, and then you know, they may not, you know, address certain issues like sexual compatibility or, you know, learning more about their partners and what they're into and kind of uh make assumptions, you know, because things can change. Somebody's sexual desires can change, they may not have said anything or spoken up about what they really like, and they may want to to change that and be more open about it, but they're not sure about how their partner may feel. And um, yeah, so you know, these things happen when, for example, a man says or feels and I'm not speaking for women, I'm saying I'm basing it off of what I see and the patterns I see in my line of work, where they want to feel quote unquote want it again. I usually see this expressed um when it comes to certain fantasies, such as, and we're yes, we're going there, um, uh age play or a fantasy where they are put on a pedestal where um you see this a lot in BDSM dynamics where he wants to be praised. He wants, we have this um, we have this uh category he in our in our industry um for content like cock worship, right? Big cock work, big uh BBC, big black cock worship, cock worship, big white cock worship, any worship, body worship. Um we have that when it comes to men too, where they want to feel desire, validate it. We have, if you want to talk about OnlyFans, this is a uh reason why some men may want a dick rating. So a dick rating is where they send a picture of their penis and they want us to rate it between one and ten. Usually that's the scale, right? And then they want to know our honest opinion, right, about his dick size, his penis size, what we want to do with it, what kind of fantasy will we, you know, what will we do, right? And he wants that validation live camming that it happens where they show it on live cam and they want to see our physical reaction, and that's a form of validation, that's a form of feeling validated for their penis size, which is important to some men. Like, let's let's just be honest, right? So um, that's usually how it shows up with someone feeling wanted, and I'm not just talking about age play, I'm talking about so this is another example. I I gave the example with age play, which involves BDSM where they want that control too, and that's a form of validation as well. Um, so that's what I've noticed when I come across men who want to feel quote unquote wanted again, older men who want to feel wanted again. I get a lot of men. Shoot, I've gotten men in their 70s plus like, and actually, I've been getting a lot of more men in their 70s wanting that feeling of doing a doing a role play where they feel wanted and feel the desire in some compacity. Some of them are married, some of them are not, but that feeling still shows up, and that's the pattern I've seen. So um, yeah, and so during these sessions, they obviously are vulgar, and they're you know, um they're sexual, but it's also some sort of emotional response to they like to hear things. So I usually have clients where they want to hear me validate their fantasy and say it's okay to have this fantasy. Um it's okay to jerk off to blah blah blah blah blah, whatever you know he's jerking off to. You are not wrong. Like, like they literally like hearing that during my session. It's okay, keep going, like kind of like cheering them on. Like that is a form of validation I've seen too, where they want to um be cheered on for this fantasy they have and being validated about the experiences and the fantasy that they have. And they and that usually comes to with not wanting to feel judged or um feeling like they that their fantasy is wrong, unless that's a part of the ex excitement is the the feeling of you know it being naughty and taboo, right? So, you know, this also comes with saying you're doing such a good job, or I'm so proud of you, you know. Like they literally like hearing that. Sometimes I'll I'll I'll say it over again. They like the excessive praise or attention that comes with these role plays. Um you're doing a good job. Don't, don't, don't stop, keep going, like those kind of phrases, right? Um, and also when I'm having regular conversations that go past like the actual role play, when it comes to the com the conversations that I have with them, especially over the phone, where they have a fantasy and they may say something like, I know this fantasy is weird or like wrong, um, but here it is, and then they'll tell me what it is. And I say, Hey, like I speak to a bunch of men just like you. You, what you're into is a category, it's a niche. So you're not the only one, right? But they there comes it comes with a form of self-consciousness where they are a little skeptical of telling me, but they like the um praise, right? And so they want to even hear it when it's not a sexual act that's happening or a sexual scenario and we're just talking. Some people just call me to just tell me their fantasy, hear my reaction, and if I'm not judging them, that is a form of validation too, even if it's just a conversation like we're having right now. So, me asking questions about it, I am very nosy. I ask so many questions about what they're into, when they got into it, how many people they've done it with, and they also like that. They appreciate me being curious about it. Not trust me, I've spoken to all kinds. Kinds of men with all kinds of fantasies. And some would leave you scratching your head. I've heard it all. Nothing shocks me anymore. Pepper is immune to um yeah, kinks and fetishes. So um, yeah. And you know, even though I tell them that they're not the only person, you know, who's told me this fantasy, I know I didn't solve their problem. I I know I didn't change their life, but I did give them evidence that they weren't alone with this fantasy that they had. And there is something powerful about realizing that the part of yourself you have considered strange or not common, uncommon, shameful, or unacceptable or socially unacceptable may actually be more common than you thought it would be, right? And so um, without identifying anyone, I don't, you know, name names of my clients. I just name patterns and scenarios I've come across. Um, I'll give you a couple of examples of how the responses, what responses I've gotten, you know, when it comes to them telling me certain things and them wanting uh the validation from it. So one example I can really speak on is, and I've spoken about this this particular group of men, are religious men. I speak on them a lot because I get a lot of them as clients. I get Christian men, Jewish men, Muslim men, um, yeah, all kinds of men, right? Who come from these different backgrounds and different practices. And especially Christian men, when they tell me something, I notice a pattern where they may be, first of all, a lot of them are into uh extreme quote unquote taboo, extreme kinks. All right, extreme, yes, I emphasize extreme, and I think they're extreme too because they are experiencing sexual, like their sexuality is repressed, and they're not, they don't vocalize what they're into because that's not common in their communities. So oftentimes they'll call phone sex lines or they'll see an escort or they'll go on a cam site and or they're or they're or they will go to a dominatrix and they will release what's inside of them, and so that's a form of them feeling validated as well. And I often hear them to tell me things, right? They'll tell me I'm answering such and such, and I know it's wrong, and I'm Christian, and I know I shouldn't be thinking about this, and they're just telling me their fantasy and how that how it had come to be. And then they want to hear my reaction, they want to hear how long I pause, or you know, how long are how um how I'm responding to them verbally, if I may have have a judge, a tone that sounds judgmental, or if I'm relaxed. I've gotten guys, you all know. Well, if you don't know, I stutter. So sometimes I pause when I speak, or I stammer. Sometimes, guys, some guys, not all of them, but may interpret that as me being nervous about what they just told me. That's very common with my stuttering, um, or that maybe I'm uncomfortable, and so they'll just hang up. Even though that's not the case, I just stutter. And uh it's just I have a speech event of it, but a lot of them are so sensitive about their fantasies that they will even judge on tone of voice. Um, so so and and in in these cases, regardless, a lot of them want their they want relief, the emotional relief that comes with having this fantasy and speaking it out loud, and also admitting it to themselves in addition to me. And so sometimes the service I'm providing isn't just the fantasy itself, it's it's creating a space where someone can finally say the thing out loud. And so adult spaces often offer a very specific form of validation. A man may enter a camera room, for example, or a phone sex line, may call a phone sex line, may visit an escort slash companion, a dominatrix, a strip club, um, subscribe to OnlyFans, right? Um, buy porn, buy content, buy clips, check out someone's content because he wants a fantasy, he wants an experience, but he may also continue because of how the interaction makes him feel. So remember in the beginning, I said yes, they do look at the physical, they they do search our profiles. That is the first thing they see, but it's also when they experience a fantasy with us, is how they feel, how someone remembers his name. For example, I write down all my clients' names, I write down everything that they tell me, and they're like, How do you remember that? Because I I take notes and I want I want to remember things so that when I speak to you, I know what you like, right? I know what you don't like. And um they take note of that. Take they take note of how I ask how they're doing, or hey, how's that job interview you were telling me about or how's that vacation? I have a great memory. Like I remember everything, I've always been that way. So I'll remember weird facts about my clients, and they're like, I told you that like a year ago. How do you remember I visited this place and ate this for dinner? And I I just I'm just random like that. Like I just I just remember things like that. And so they appreciate that. That's a form of validation too. Sometimes um when someone listens to the fantasy, when I listen to the fantasy, um, I'm listening to his hidden fears or hidden fantasy and what he's into that he's had for years. Um, and I'm not laughing at him, they don't, you know, unless that's the king. Some of them like to be humiliated for having a small penis. I've been getting that lately, laughing at small penises and sausages. And or, but for the most part, beyond that, um, they the ones who don't like that, right? They're they they're looking for a space where they're not going to be laughed at or feel judged. Um, and so that attention can make him feel like he's more visible, that he's seen. And also, it may also be easier for him to reveal certain parts of his himself in a professional space like the adult world, because the boundaries are clear. So, like I said before, we're not looking to marry them and they're not looking to marry us. And some of them are the ones who are single, they they may like that's a different story. I've spoken about that before about how some guys use these sites to date women. Um, but when could when it comes to the married ones or the ones with girlfriends or partner, the boundaries are clear. He's here for a service, I'm here to get paid, and I'm here to provide the fantasy as well. It's all clear, there's no confusion. And with this, it comes with him not worrying that I will tell his family. I don't care to tell his family. I want to keep him as a client. He doesn't have to change his entire life during one conversation. I I'm anonymous. I'm not, I don't, I don't know this dude, right? And even if I did, I don't care. Like what have I some of them leave their legal names on sites or what like I'll like their legal name is present and I don't care, right? I have no reason to expose them, right? So he can explore something temporarily and then return to his regular life. He can he can show both a sides of himself, he can be his true self in the fantasy world, and then when he returns, he can put that he can put on that mask, or he can switch to what everyone else sees him as, which is a husband, right? A uh father and and an upstanding citizen. And so that usually happens as well. So again, um the controlled environments, the fantasy worlds, because they are controlled environments that involve consent and discussing boundaries. It is if a lot of times it feels safer there. It feels safer to have a conversation that could permanently change how his partner sees him, and that could permanently change how he lives his life, how he's seen by people beyond his partner. It it can well a lot of times some of the the some of the fantasies that I come across, you know, that could if it were to get out, it it could change how people treat him. Right. And so that's why they come to the fantasy spaces because they don't want to jeopardize that. They don't want to jeopardize their image. And so that doesn't make secrecy healthy, but it does help to explain why professional adult spaces can become emotional outlets for a lot of these clients, even when the original purpose appeared purely sexual. It goes beyond that. And so some people will say, well, but he paid her. So the attention wasn't real. I think that's too simplistic. Yes, professional attention exists within a transaction. Um, but don't you also pay, for example, a therapist? Does that mean that a therapist may or may not provide real um comfort for you if you're speaking to them? Does that make it less real when you pay to have a session, or when you does it make it less real when you pay for food and you had to pay for it? Does that make the meal less real? Does it fulfill your hunger still? Yes. So my time, my emotional labor, my performance, because it is a performance, my expertise, I've been doing this for years, are part of my service. But the emotional experience that a client has can still be real. He can he can still feel sane. He can still feel like he's letting his guard down. And so a person can pay a therapist, like I said, and still experience a real emotional breakthrough. I have had clients with me experience emotional breakthroughs. I have been, um this is common. I have had several men come come out to me. I have been the first person that they've come out to a stranger through the phone, they can't see me. I have guys admit things to me and they've and they've come to realizations about themselves. A person can pay a coach and still be genuinely encouraged. A person can pay for a massage and you can feel the ex the physical relief. You can feel that experience, right? You can the existence of a transaction doesn't automatically make the experience meaningless. And so at the same time, the the client also needs to understand what the relationship is. And so feeling seen by a professional does not automatically mean the professional is in love with you. Feeling understood during a session, for example, does not turn that session into a romantic relationship. So that distinction is important. And I want to add to that going to a professional in this in this world can also provide genuine attention within clear boundaries. I always go over boundaries with my clients between both of us. I want to make sure both of us are comfortable. They want to make sure I'm comfortable. A client may feel emotionally attached to how the space makes them feel. That's why I always see repeat clients call me or visit my cam room or buy my porn because I make them feel validated. In some sort of way, they keep coming back to have that feeling of validation that I provide to them. And the attachment does not create entitlement to the professional's private life. I just want to be clear. You know, we do have lives. Um, we are not entitled to share everything. Again, there's clear boundaries that are set. Um, I do want to also mention, too, that consistent attention can also feel intimate without becoming a personal partnership. I see a lot of these, you know, a lot of my clients, and I've I've heard from other um um people in my industry too. There is a form of um, there is a relationship that you develop, not romantic, but a relationship that they know you, you know them, you're familiar with what they like, what they don't like, what turns them on, what doesn't turn them on. And so once you get into that rhythm, then that creates some form of relationship. And I'm not saying attachment. Well, attachment can come with that on either side. I'm not saying that saying that that's not possible, but it can not also not either. So I I've had clients for years and they still call me and they go back to their normal lives, and I'm not looking for them to propose to me. I'm not waiting for that, you know. So the the feeling may be real, but that doesn't mean the relationship is something um it was never agreed to be. And so for some men too, validation is specifically connected to masculinity. That's another pattern I've seen with my line of work. So many men may be taught, or that that many men are taught that their value comes from what they can provide or accomplishments or um protection or control. And they're not always encouraged to ask for reassurance. And so they may not feel comfortable saying, I need to tell you, um, or sorry, I need you to tell me that I'm attractive, I need you to tell me that I'm handsome or or any any sort of um reassurance. And they may not know how to say, I want to feel chosen, or they may believe that asking for a compliment makes them needy, right? So instead of communicating the need directly, they look for a situation where that validation appears to happen naturally. So um a woman flirts with him, or someone responds to his picture, or a cam model remembers his birthday, or a stranger laughs at his joke, or a professional tells him that his fantasy isn't strange. So the attention may give him a temp um temporary proof that he's still attractive, that he's still interesting or masculine or sexually relevant. And so he may he may call it sex or the physical intimacy that comes with these sessions, um he feels more socially acceptable. He feels his fantasy is more socially acceptable in these spaces. Um, and that can be seen through sex or physical intimacy as well. And so saying, for example, I wanted sex may feel less valuable than saying I needed someone to make me feel worthy. It's be yes, it's sex, but it's beyond that. Sex comes with validation, sex comes with um confidence. You know, there's there's things that come with the physical that a lot of them may seek. And so this is another reason the surface explanation does not always tell the full story. And again, I I especially when it comes to these kind of conversations, I like peeling back the layers because I think if we look deeper, then we'll understand more. And so I've noticed that the search for validation can become more notice noticeable as people get older. So bodies may change, confidence changes, relationships may be familiar, um, work becomes more demanding, or children and responsibilities may become more demanding. Then also, too, people may receive less compliments, they may receive it less frequently, or desire sometimes becomes assumed instead of something that's expressed. And so a man may begin, a man may begin wondering whether anyone still sees him as attractive. And he also may be dealing with changes in his body, you know, we all grow old. I know I'm gonna grow old, you'll grow old, right? Um, and that also comes with sexual performance and hair and weight. That's a big one, weight and health and and energy. Um and so he may not talk openly about those insecurities. I need a lot of men who may be insecure about their penis size. So a lot of them may talk to me about that and how frustrating it is to have a small penis and not feeling able to sexually satisfy women. Um, so yeah, or they may have erectile dysfunction for whatever reason. You know, there's um a lot of reasons that come up. And so then somebody gives him attention, somebody says he looks good, somebody expresses excitement about um seeing him, right? Or someone makes him feel sexually relevant again. And even though the compliment, the compliment may look small, or he may pay for a two-minute session, it still reaches a part of him that has been neglected for for years, or that he feels has been neglected. And so this is why validation has become so emotionally powerful, because he isn't responding to the actual person when he's getting this validation, especially during these sessions, for example. He's responding to the return of a feeling he thought he had lost, which um sometimes the compliment is that it doesn't have to be anything extraordinary, but um, it may simply just reach a part of him that has been silent for a very long time. It's uh something that he may not have said out loud. And so relationships don't usually move from romance from romance to routine overnight. I think it happens, for example. Through s um things slowly stopping. And I've I've I've experienced this too. Like I said, I I date. So I I know what it feels like to kind of be on this high, and then it kind of slows down sometimes, or you know, you slow down the the routines or um things that you used to do. Um and so um someone may not kiss anyone anymore, or flirting may stop because life is busy, or date night date date nights may stop because of you know, may not feel like going out. No, no, no. Um, but um, yeah, and also like conversations change too, depending on how long that you've been dating. And so, you know, what I've heard too from some of my some of my clients is that you know, they may still love their partners, right? Um but they may stop relating to each other as lovers or the attraction may not have disappeared, but um they may not hear from the other partner that they are attractive, like just the reassurance from each other may not be there anymore. And so this is why I want as somebody who hears and sees what goes on in the dark, right? And I'm also dating, and I also I'm around people who date. Um, I see what goes on in the dark and light. Um, I want, I would encourage customers, not customers, couples. Yeah, I don't know what customers was in my head. Couples to ask themselves an uncomfortable question, which is when was the last time you made your partner feel desired and not simply loved? So that's a that's a good question to ask, right? When when when or when was the last time you flirted, or when was the last time you made them feel chosen, or when was the last time you expressed that you wanted to feel chosen and seen? And I also wanted to ask, I want to propose, I want to propose this question too, is that as this question um this this question goes both ways between both men and women, when was the last time you made your partner feel like more than the role they perform for you? Another form of validation that I see behind closed doors when it comes to men who visit me for sessions involves validation beyond appearance in the physical. I'm gonna dive deeper into this and I'll give you some examples of role plays and kinks that they may be into or patterns that I've seen connected is that a lot of them, you know, they may, you know, some people, some guys just call just to, you know, talk or tell me about jokes and they want to be validated, they want their humor validated, or I okay, they want the feeling of you being proud of them. When when I say you, I'm talking about me, me being proud of them, right? Some sort of um praise. And you often see this with um a lot of men who want like mommy dommy. I do a lot of mommy dommy, and I talked about this on threads where I didn't I didn't choose to be a soft dom when it comes to that um form of BDSM. A lot of men found me because I have a soft voice and I have this mothering aspect. I guess the soft voice is comforting. Um, but they also want that dominating um scenario, right? With that. And so oftentimes they like hearing stuff like, I'm so proud of you. You did such a good job. Kind of that praise of me being proud of them. They want to feel sexually accepted. They may may they may want to speak about um an insecurity without immediately being given a solution. Oftentimes you'll see small penis humiliation, which is me laughing at their penis. I said that earlier, which is a form of BDSM, laughing at their small penis penises. Some men who have small penises, um who do understand that that does create challenges, right? When it comes to having sex, it's having sex with women, they enjoy so they they they deal with that by but by me laughing at them. So that's a form of validation too, in a way. If you if you if you think about it, um, of me validating them, even though I'm laughing at them, they still feel sane. They they feel understood in some way, even though that may be odd to some people. They like to be laughing at their small cocks, small penises. Um, yeah, I and I get I get a lot of those. So they want to feel emo emotionally understood. And even though you may not understand that laughing at their penis heals them in a way, they understand that it heals them and they keep coming back, right? So this is why um a relationship outside of a marriage may become emotionally intense, even without the physical contact, because it's a private message, for example, can provide validation, a compliment, um, sexing. I do a lot of sexing sexing sessions, right? Um, and emotional affair can provide some sort of validation. And so the behavior can gradually escalate because he continues returning for that feeling. And so sex may eventually happen, but the validation may be created, it may have created the attachment long before anyone removes clothes. Right. So um, this is social media has made validation constantly available. And we I we spoke about this on one of the Spicy Spectrum lives where we talked about social media and the role it plays with um creating more options or people having they're they're having more access to people than they would normally have in the physical world, right? And so that often comes also with validation. This is another angle that I think deserves more attention. People now have access to validation all day. A person can post a picture and feel in um and uh immediately receive likes or comments under a funny video or message. Um, we see this a lot. I'm just gonna be honest, men are guilty of this um commenting or like using social media as like dating sites, which is fine if that's what you want to do. But we see that a lot. That is validation. You you do want the attention of the woman you're speaking to. You want her to respond. And so that is a form of validation. Also, I want to be clear. When I say guilty, I'm not saying guilty, like feel bad. I mean this is a common beh behavior that I see a lot of men online do. And so that is a form of validation. Commenting under a beautiful woman's post or picture and her responding to you back and forth. And you know it, right? Like, I'm sure you feel validated. You feel like she sees you. Um, you know, he can follow attractive people, you know, respond to stories on it on Instagram, enter private messages, join camsites, or download dating apps like Tinder without leaving his house. And he can receive the attention and the conversations um all while sitting beside his partner. I can tell you how many times I have sex with a guy who can't literally he can't talk on the phone, he can't go on cam because his his partner is there, and he's sexing me next to her, and he's looking for some sort of validation. And so technology didn't technology did not create the need for validation, but it made that val that validation constantly available. And I know people may disagree. I've said this with porn, and I'll say it again with technology. Porn does not cause people to want something, it can trigger something within themselves, within a very human side of themselves that they may not say out loud or didn't know that was fair. And I believe the same is for social media, and people may disagree. Social media only exposes the validation humans crave, just like porn exposes the validation men crave in terms of that val validating their thoughts and their fantasies, right? So technology can also make small boundary crossings easier, right? To rationalize, right? Oh, it was it was only a like, it was it was only a comment. We were just talking, right? But those small interactions can become a part of an emotional pattern. Um, and the person begins checking for messages or looking for notifications. We've all been there where you make a post and you're waiting for a notification to hit your phone, right? He looks forward to being noticed, to being seen. He he starts, he may start hiding the conversation or become emotionally dependent on attention from someone outside of the relationship, right? He may visit that cam, that campsite every single day because cam model is giving him attention. So as long as he tips, right? He may keep going to that strip club with his favorite dancer, right? And keep tipping her because he has a connection to her or he feels seen, validated. So by the time the behavior becomes clearly sexual, the emotional habit may already be established. And I understand why some women may be frustrated where, and you may be one of those women where your partner is on social media and you see that he's seeking validation, and it may look innocent, but deep down it is a form of validation that he's seeking. We all know this, none of us are dumb. Women are not dumb. And so sometimes the affair begins long before physical contact. So it begins when outside attention becomes the place someone goes to feel valuable. And so here is something I didn't address in the what he's thinking article that I want to expand on is the outside validation, it may and how it may feel powerful, but it really creates confidence. So validation is totally fine. We everyone wants to be validated. I love being validated. You I'm sure you love being validated, and a compliment feels good for a moment, but a person's attention um and or or a new a new person's attention may make you excited, or a session may allow someone to feel desired. But if the person fundamentally does not believe that that they are valuable, like it doesn't come from within, they will need that feeling again and they will keep searching outside of themselves. And I believe that involves a lot of inner work and going to therapy. And this goes for both men and women, but most women are not my clients, men are, so I'm talking about them. It it requires a lot of therapy. Even in my personal life, I've dated guys where they wanted me to validate them, but they also with without me, they didn't feel valuable, they were not confident in themselves. And that was a turnoff. I don't mind me personally validating my partners. Um, so as long as you also have your own, you also understand internally that you have value and with or without someone. Like that's attractive to me. And if I notice you don't, that that is some sort of insecurity that a lot of people struggle with, that they seek outside of themselves for people to make them feel good and feel beautiful or feel valuable. So they may need another message, they may need another compliment, um, they may need another match, another session, another person. And this is where seeking validation can become a cycle. Just like how someone keeps searching for a new cam model. Let's compare this to dating. Someone can keep dating and dating because they need validation here, validation there, or I'm just gonna keep dating. Okay, we break up. I need this next person to give me validation because I don't have it. So I need a woman who's going to keep validating me, right? So it happens in both worlds. Um, and so the person believes that the next interaction will finally make them feel secure. And again, I'm speaking from personal experience, not just in the adult world, but with people who I've dated personally. And and I'm going to be honest, that is exhausting. It was exhausting dating people like that because it is emotionally exhausting, especially, especially because I'm so confident and secure in who I am, is really difficult for me to be around someone who's not like that and who doesn't know that they have value. So um, external attention cannot permanently repair an internal belief that says, I am not enough. And so a partner can express desire, or a professional can provide a validating experience, or a stranger can offer attention, right? But none of us can build someone else's entire sense of worth for them. And so if every compliment wears off tomorrow, I don't think the problem may not be that nobody desires you. I think I think the problem lies where you cannot hold on to the belief that you are desirable. You cannot believe that yourself. And I also want to be clear that needing validation does not entitle anyone to another person's body or attention or emotional labor. Again, that's a lot of work. And feeling unseen does not give someone permission to cheat. Feeling insecure doesn't make a partner responsible for repairing every part of your self-esteem. And I also want to point out that wanting to feel the desired is human and you shouldn't be ashamed of that. But deceiving someone to get that feeling is still a choice. And so this is where personal responsibility enters the conversation. Okay. You know, did he did he tell his partner what he needed? Did he express what he no longer felt desired? Did he ask for more affection or flirting or reassurance or intentional time together? Did he give his partner, did he even give her the opportunity to understand what what he really wants or what's happening? Or did he expect her to read his mind and then blame her when someone else notices him? So you cannot silently silently create a test for your partner, and also at the same time watch her fail a test that she never knew that she was taking, and then use that as permission to betray her. So this is where just speaking up and saying what's on your mind are super helpful. And for me too, when I'm dating, I can't I am not a mind reader. I need you to tell me what's going on because if not, I'm just gonna sit here and just kind of just I'm not gonna know what's going on. And I notice that a lot too. With my sessions, for example, there are men who do know what they want. They tell me their fantasy, they're confident and what they like. We do the session, we're done. It's cool, it's great. Thank you for the details. You help me out to understand you, right? Then I'll come across a particular client who doesn't know what he wants and he wants me to read his mind. I can't do I don't know what to do with that. So, yes, being honest and being verbal um definitely helps prevent confusion. And so if a man seeks validation somewhere else, I would want to understand what was happening before that choice, not just, oh, he just, you know, stepped out to get validation. Oh my God, like let's let's dive deeper, right? When did he stop feeling desired? Did he communicate that feeling? Have both people stopped expressing attraction for one another, right? Could any amount of attention from one partner have him satisfied? Is that the lifestyle he wants, or is that the lifestyle that he's forcing on himself? I think that last question matters because sometimes the relationship has genuinely become emotionally disconnected, or sometimes that relationship dynamic doesn't even work for them. They're just forcing themselves because they think that's what they should do. So those are different problems and um I want to. There is no relationship that can eliminate attraction for other people. I don't care if you if the if you are super attractive, that doesn't mean that your partner will look will not look at other people because they will. A partner there is no partner that can fulfill every emotional need at the moment. But sometimes what I've noticed is that couples can create or may not create honest conversations about validation and desire. And I think those are important to consider. And instead of assuming that your partner knows how they feel, express it, say it, or tell them when they look good or for it, or ask how their confidence has changed, or discuss fantasies so that they won't become secrets. Like just be honest. Some people are scared to tackle uncomfortable sexual conversations. But that's why this all happens too, like because people are not communicating openly, they're shy. And so making room for each other as individuals um is I believe is is important too, not only as partners, just managing a household, but actually seeing you two as human, you know, having your own agency. And so if one person feels neglected, then they need to communicate that directly. There's a lot of communication that goes on in the adult world. If a if a client doesn't like what I'm saying, he's gonna say it. If if he doesn't like something and he and I don't know, then he's gonna have a bad experience and I don't know what's going on, right? So communication is really important, you know? Um not not not through hinting or being or having Resentment. Um. And if a man cheats for valid validation, the validation may explain what he was seeking. And so I just want to be clear, that doesn't erase what he did. He is still responsible for the agreement he made with his partner. He's still responsible for communicating his needs. And he's also responsible, responsible for how his choices affect his partners, e emotional and physical well-being. And so if the validation involved, for example, a s uh secret sexual fantasy, right? His partner deserved that in information because it's necessary for them to first of all, first of all, for her health, but also to know if she wants to stay or not. And so um, yeah. You can understand why someone may made a choice and still decide that that choice violated your boundaries and you want to leave, and you're not comfortable with that, and you have every right to feel that way. And you can believe that his insecurity um was real, and you can validate his experiences and still choose to leave. You can still believe he loved you and still decide that the way he expressed that love through his behavior was not healthy enough for you to stay, and you have every right to think that and feel that. And so if you're dealing with a situation like this, or you want to talk through something that you may have resonated with me saying privately, you can book a pepper's perspective. These are private one-on-one audio conversations where we discuss relationships, desires, fantasies, communication, or s or situations that you may not just you may not feel comfortable saying elsewhere, and you may feel comfortable speaking to me about. This is both for men and women. Maybe you're a woman trying to understand why your partner search for attention, for example, outside of the relationship. Or maybe you're a man who recognizes himself in this episode, and I know you're listening, and wants to understand what you're actually searching for. And so I've received great feedback from conversations I've been having through my peppers perspective. And I want to be clear that this is not therapy, it is an educational, judgment-free conversation, conversation informed by my real life experience with speaking to thousands of men about sex, fantasies, relationships, and the parts of themselves that they don't always share out loud or show anyone else. And so you can do that by visiting spicy spectrum podcast.com and on the main page, it'll say pepper's perspective, and you click the hyperlink and they'll take you right there. I also discussed this topic this past Monday during Spicy Spectrum Live, um, which I hold on TikTok from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. We're on TikTok for now. We may be expanding later, but it's on TikTok for now. So if you join me, thank you for being a part of the conversation. And if you missed me, don't worry because the video will be dropped on Friday through my What He's Thinking series on Subsec and my Spicy Spectrum After Dark on Patreon. And those links are in the show notes. So you can watch the video if you want to hear the audio. You can visit spicyspectrumpodcast.com and um become a supporter. So you can become a spicy supporter on one of those three platforms and catch up. We have all the episodes that we've been having. Some are arguments, some are controversial, some are really great conversations and really great perspectives. So all of those links are in the show notes. And I also want to make sure you subscribe to Spicy Spectrum Podcasts on YouTube. I post weekly, long form and short term, short form content, and also the beyond the episode monthly series is there. You you will see my face, and also there's audio content as well, where I continue these conversations and share more of the story beyond what you hear here in the original podcast episode. So make sure to subscribe and like and share. Please, I'm trying to grow my my YouTube page. So um, when you see that pepper that looks like a penis, like you see here, that's us. So just type it in and you'll see. Um, and you'll get to see my beautiful face, hear my hear my soft voice. And to close out our discussion today, I want to leave you with this. A man who cheats for validation may not be looking for another relationship. He may be looking for proof that he's still attractive, or he may want someone to notice the person underneath the roles he's performing every day. Or he may just be chasing a version of himself that feels confident or interesting or desired, but understanding what he was chasing does not make the deception acceptable. And so feeling someone feeling unseen that deserves an honest conversation, and also feeling insecure deserves honesty, as well as set self-reflection and also therapy. I'm gonna add that one too. So it doesn't automatically give someone permission to create a secret life. So here's the question I want to leave with you, and that is when was the last time you made your partner feel desired, not simply loved? And when was the last time you honestly told your partner what makes you feel desired? Thank you for listening to Spicy Spectrum. If I see you during Spicy Spectrum Live on Monday, I'll see you there. If not, I'll see you back here on Wednesday. Thank you so much for joining me. Same Spicy Channel, same spicy time.