A man can deeply love his wife and still have fantasies that don't include her. I know that may be difficult to hear because many women immediately wonder why doesn't he want to do it with me? Am I not enough? But sometimes the fantasy isn't a rejection of his wife. Sometimes it belongs to a completely different part of his imagination. Welcome back to Spicy Spectrum. It's your dream girl, Peppercat. And today we're talking about why some men keep fantasy outside of their marriage. I recently wrote about this on What He's Thinking. Um, that's my series on Substack. Check it out, link is in the show notes, where I translate the patterns I've noticed after years of hearing what men say privately. But I want to take the conversation a little further because fantasy and love and intention are not always the same thing. A person can imagine something without wanting to build a life around it. Or he can enjoy a fantasy without wanting it to become his everyday reality. He can also love his wife without believing that every hidden part of his imagination belongs inside his marriage. And uh understanding that doesn't excuse secrecy or cheating or broken arrangements, but it just helps us uh separate what someone imagines from what they actually intend to do. And so one of the biggest misunderstandings that I see is the belief that fantasizing about something automatically means someone wants to experience it in real life. Now, although it may be true, I'm I'm not saying that that's not always the case. That could be the case. In fact, that has happened, right? Where I've had clients where what they do with me, they do in real life, they do with an escort, they do with a dominatrix in real life. Um they may meet into something where they actively act it out. But that's not always true. Some fantasies are exciting because they remain an imagination, right? They are a fantasy, they are an escape. And fantasy, the fantasy may involve surrender or control, role play or taboo or novelty or becoming a completely different person for a short time. But imagining that scenario doesn't necessarily mean he wants it incorporated into his marriage. And that doesn't look to be clear, that doesn't mean he wants to leave his wife, and it also doesn't necessarily mean he wants another relationship, which sometimes he does, let's be honest, but that's not always the case. Sometimes imagining is enough, right? Um in the adult industry, I've spoken with men who explore fantasies through through phone calls or um through a cam session or through a session or through um sexing or a role play. And during the experience, they may become completely immersed in it. And they aren't necessarily thinking about their wife in that moment. I'm going to be honest, it's not about the wife. It has nothing to do with what he doesn't like about her, or he doesn't, it's not that he doesn't find her attractive, is that she isn't the subject of his fantasy unless he's a cuck, right? Or unless I'm gonna be honest, I've spoken to men where it's the opposite. He he doesn't like his wife and he wants a fantasy or he wants to share how much he doesn't like her. I'm just I'm just I'm just being real, right? He may love his wife or he may hate his wife, and that fantasy may be based off of that, but for the most part, at least for me, it doesn't even have to do with her, and he's not coming to me be in and spite of her, it's not personal. The fantasy is the subject, right? Um that doesn't automatically mean she is competing with the porn star or the porn content creator or the escort or the stripper, it means the fantasy is serving a different purpose to him that he doesn't get from you. Many uh the married men I've spoken with describe their wives with genuine love and admiration. And sometimes it's the opposite, like I said, like it's either they love them and they don't want to leave them, or um, they don't like their wives. It all depends on the individual, but we're gonna talk about the first one. So they may say that she's beautiful and supportive and a wonderful mother and the center of their life, and then they tell me about a fantasy they have never shared with her. So sometimes it involves BDSM, and sometimes it may involve also being submissive, even though he leads in every part of his life or in the marriage. Sometimes it involves role play or an identity that doesn't match how his wife or his family or community sees him. And so he may keep up, he may keep it private because he doesn't know whether she will understand. Or he may also be trying to protect the role she already holds in his mind, right? So she already has a view of him. And a lot of times a wife or a partner, but I'm talking about wives at this moment, she may represent home or love and family, stability in the life they build together. But the fantasy on the opposite side of the spectrum, like women like me, represent novelty. We represent surrendering or an experience into uh a sexual fantasy um that they may want to be explore more or be curious about. It's a temporary freedom from his everyday identity with his wife. And so in his mind, those worlds may serve different purposes. And so that doesn't mean separating them through deception is healthy, but it helps explain why he may not automatically imagine bringing that fantasy home with him. And so sometimes a man spends every day making decisions or supporting a family or being dependable, and then he enters a fantasy where someone takes that control. Or if if that's not the case, if that's not what he what he's into, he's escaping the other version of himself. So him being a father or a husband. And he can temporarily carry the weight of his identity with other people outside of our world, and he he he is 100% truly himself, right? He may not want to abandon those roles in real life, and so he wants a short experience two minutes, two hours, um, where those roles don't define him. So I wanted to give an example, and I like to be clear, I do not reveal, you know, names of my clients, I do reveal patterns. So if I'm talking about a subject or a pattern, I'm not talking about only one client. I may point it out and not reveal their in their information and just use that as an example. So I want to give an example um relating to this experience. Um one example I or one pattern, let's say pattern, not gonna point out my person. One pattern that I see when it comes to a client that may be hiding who he is away from his wife, um, and he's with me, is I'm you know, I'm going to I'm gonna I'm I'm gonna get uncomfortable, right? Let's talk about taboo fantasies, right? So when I say taboo fantasies, I'm talking about those that may be so socially unacceptable to other people. I don't even like to use taboo because it shouldn't be taboo, but for it for the sake of this conversation, I'll use it. Um so he may be into age play, race play, um uh rate play, which is CNC, consensual, non-consensual, consensual, mean um, fantasies. And I want to talk about race play. So I have a lot of clients who are into race play. Obviously, I'm black. I'm I'm in the ebony category. And so a lot of men, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, all of them come to me for race play. It's not uncommon to see different races of men. They all do. And so, you know, I'm going to narrow it down. I'm gonna specifically talk about black and white men who who see me, right? I when it comes to the black men who see me for race play, their partners are typically black. They may want me to do a scenario where either I'm with a white man or an opposite race of me, or they want to do some sort of humiliation fantasy where I degrade them for being black, right? And they may have a white partner. So it's either they have a black partner or a white. Those are the patterns I've seen so far, right? And so they know, they know that their wife or girlfriend will never go for it, right? Because we we get very explicit, right? I say I say words, he he says words, and he and they have told me that their wives would never go for it, right? His white wife will never call him names. Now, I'm not saying that happens, like that does happen. There are couples who are into that mutually, but um, the ones who speak with me, they know their wife would never feel comfortable calling him, for example, a uh the porch monkey, right? Or coon or whatever, right? And um this is for educational purposes, all right. And that's what I'm using those words. Um, and on the opposite side of the spectrum when it comes to the white man, sorry, I'm getting confused. Sorry. I'm sorry, the okay. Still on the black clients, right? If they have black wives, they are also uncomfortable bringing those fantasies to them. They don't, they're uncomfortable sharing that they want, they may want to see their black wives fuck a white guy, right? Right? Or like be called names. On the other side, when it comes to my white clients, I have white men who have white wives. And because I'm an ebony cam model or ebony font sex operator, they come to me for a fantasy that um they can't get from their wife because she's not black, and right, and so that doesn't fulfill that fantasy. Or I have white men where they may have a black wife, and they know damn well she will not be participating in that. And so he comes to me and they've told me that she will not go for it, and they know it, or that they proposed it on both sides, black and white men, that they have proposed it and their partner shut it down because not everyone's comfortable doing race play. So those examples are a perfect example of someone right coming to me for an extreme roleplay, doing race play, um, and not feeling comfortable going to their wife because it is it is a it is an extreme uh uh role play, a fantasy that involves a lot of emotional labor. And can you imagine taking care of your kids, cooking, and then now you have to do race play? Like it's a lot, it's a lot. So they come to me and also you and also you don't feel comfortable doing it. It's a very touchy subject for some people, right? And a lot of people cannot separate the fantasy from reality, and that can also put that can also be a challenge. I'd also like to add this that you know, when it comes to these fantasies that they come to me for, you have to realize, and I know some people don't see our industry and what we do as I know some people, this the smart people understand that what we do requires a lot of um experience and expertise. Um, again, race play involves a lot of emotional labor, it involves um a lot of performance and composure. Um, and across the board, other fantasies do as well. So it takes a lot of energy. And so there are people who are experts in their fields, like us, where we are meant to entertain in the fantasy world, where that requires a skill set. Having phone sex and a person not looking at you requires a skill set. You know, someone can just hang up after 30 seconds if they don't like what they're hearing, right? Um, being on cam for four hours requires a skill set. Being an escort or a stripper and using your physical body to perform or fulfill a fantasy requires a skill set. Sex is a skill set as well. So not everyone is equipped for that because it is a job, right? At the end of the day, we do get paid. So um that that is a part of it. So, you know, the fantasies I provide is a skill set that maybe his partner may not be able to fulfill or they don't want to because it is too, it requires too much, right? And so sometimes a man keeps uh fantasy outside his marriage because he may feel ashamed. So that's another one, right? Oh, I you know, I may have men who are not ashamed of race play, they don't care, they don't give a fuck. I'm gonna be honest, they don't care. Like, and then you have the ones who may come from cough, cough, um liberal backgrounds, or they may in their own communities that may be frowned upon. And so they may have a lot of shame, you know. And this is just I'm I'm this is not a real person, you know. Derek, who voted for Obama, right? Former president of Obama, you know, he's into race play, but he doesn't want his friends and family to know, right? He doesn't want anyone to jump to conclusions or he doesn't want to be labeled as racist. So he may carry shame and come to me, Pepper, and do a little race play. So maybe he was raised to believe, um, in addition to him, maybe someone else may be raised to believe, for example, that submission makes a man weak. And he may have come from a conservative background. And those values of you know what it means to be a man have been something he's learned. But now he's coming to me, you know, Billy, I'm just he could Billy from, you know, Texas, this is not a real person. Billy from Texas, you know, likes to get his ass clapped, his cheeks clapped. But in, you know, in in his real life, Billy goes to church on Sundays, but on Friday night he likes beat bent over, right? Or maybe his religion taught him that his desires are wrong, or maybe he worries that his wife will no longer respect him. Maybe the fantasy brings up questions about his own masculinity or his own sexuality that he has not answered himself. And so in those situations, he may be asking, or may say, not asking, say, my wife would never understand. And so my question is, well, did you tell her? Did you tell her? Some men have already told their wives, they already know. Some men have already decided that their partner will respond without giving her the opportunity to respond. And that matters because he cannot honestly say she rejected the real him if he never allowed her to meet that version of him. And so at the same time, some people have heard their partners make jokes or judgmental comments about the exact fantasy that they are hiding. Let me tell you something, and this is to the women, um, because I see it a lot when it comes to men's sexuality when you are online um posting about for example, porn or like a man watching porn, how it's disgusting, right? I I I see this all the time where I'll see a woman say, I will never date a man who watches porn. Valid. Look, everyone can have their preferences, right? I will never date a man who subscribes to OnlyFans. All that. The problem is, and this is from someone who speaks to men, the majority of men, and I am of the belief of this, and I know other other people other women like me and other men too can can confirm um that the majority of men do consume adult content, even if it's not through porn. They may see an escort. So if you ask your man, your husband, whoever, whomever, do you watch porn? He there he can say no, right? He doesn't watch porn, but he sees an escort. Or he's following someone on a burner account on Instagram. I saw this comment one time where this woman said, My man, I think it was a comment, it was a discussion about how men follow like IG baddies or IG models, right? And she made a comment saying, My man would never um, you know, he um doesn't use social media. I I saw a comment. I I didn't I didn't even have to write the comment. I didn't have to respond. Other people respond and said he probably has a burner account. He probably does. Or he calls a phone sex line or he goes to a campsite. I'm just being honest, like the majority of men they consume, if it's not OnlyFans, it's something else. It's it's Instagram. If it's not Instagram, it's an escort. If it's not an escort, it's a strip club. Like they're going to do it, they are doing it. So when you write stuff like that online and a potential partner or your partner sees it, he may not feel comfortable with you bashing. And I'm gonna be honest, when when when you are bashing uh porn or bashing um a man being into something, then he may not be open to telling you about what he's into. Um I'm just I'm just being honest. And I see a lot of posts like that. And while you're you can have your preference, understand that when you write things like that, then your partner we may not tell you what he's really into because he doesn't feel safe to because he saw what you wrote or he heard you make a comment about it. I'm just I'm just being honest. You talk about um how if you if you call something gay, Um, if you if you say certain things about pegging and stuff, I'm good, they're they they are not gonna tell you what they're into. They're just gonna sneak. Um, most of them sneak anyway, but if you want the honest truth from them, um, they're not gonna give it to you because you are talking about something that they may want to share, but you look down on it. So um odyssey may feel dangerous, and the fear may explain why someone remains silent. Um, but it doesn't automatically justify a secret sexual life, especially when it comes to someone's health, right? And so there is a difference between having a private imagination and breaking in agreement with your partner. And everyone is entitled to an inner world um and fantasy and escape, but once a fantasy involves actions that can affect someone else's health and consent and understanding of the relationship, it's no longer only private. Um, it can be harmful as well. So I don't believe every thought or fantasy must be reported to a fantasy or to a partner. I'm gonna be honest. People are still individuals um after entering a relationship. Um, I don't think I don't think you have to tell your partner everything if it's not harming them. That's what I mean, right? Um, having an imagination is not cheating. And look, okay, I do believe that cheating is something that is established, like the definition of cheating and what that looks like is established. So, you know, whatever you agree with that, you know, with each other, that's cheating or not cheating, right? Me personally, watching porn is not cheating. It's it's not. We don't want your man. Um we don't want your man, we want his money. Um, and noticing another person is not cheating. That's that me, uh that's I think that I think when people, I'm going to be honest, who believe porn is cheating and noticing other humans, attractive humans is cheating, you are deeply insecure. I'm just being honest. I think that's a big part of it. And I actually had a psychologist on my show to confirm that that that involves a lot of insecurity and inner work that you have to deal with in terms of that. Um, and fantasizing about something unusual does not automatically create betrayal. And so the more important question is whether the fantasy is affecting the actual relationship and is he secretly spending money that affects the household? Or is he communicating with someone in a way that violates their agreement? Is he having physical contact that may affect his partner's health? Is the fantasy becoming the only place where he feels sexually alive? Is he building an entire private identity that his partner knows nothing about? If the answer is yes, then the couple may need a much larger conversation. And then with that, the issue is no longer only what he imagines. Um, it's how he is managing that desire and whether his choices remove his partner's ability to make an informed decision about her own body and her own relationship. And sometimes couples can explore fantasies together, right? I'm not saying that that's not possible. That might mean talking about them or trying to role play or watching something together. I know I have couples who watch my porn and they always it's so cute. They'll um contact me and like it'll be one, so like it'll be the husband that will send me a message, and then and then and then it'll be the wife that types like her own little message. Isn't it just so cute? Like how they tell me I love your video. This is um such and such, and you know, you know, this is me. I'm I'm typing. Thank you so much. We just bought your new video and we watched it before we had our threesome. I'm like, uh I see. All right, cool, I like that. And so, like, um, you know, they may find a compromise that respects both people's boundaries, and sometimes the partner will say, Hey, I understand, you know, you enjoy being pegged. I'm not into that. I don't want to participate in that, or I understand you're into age play or race play, or um I understand you're into farting. You know, that's not really my thing. Hey, so I'm not really into that, but you can call the phone text line if if if if that fulfills your need. Because I'm gonna be honest, they're going to do it anyway. So I'm I'm I'm just I'm just being honest. Like if you tell someone not to do something, it's gonna make them want to do it more, and then they'll also do it in secret. So it's either you stay with them and accept them for who they are, or just leave. I'm I'm just being honest. That that I'm I'm just being honest. Like, you either be comfortable with that lifestyle, um, that's something that you can deal with, cool. But if you don't, I don't think you should tell someone who to be, just walk away. Like you all are not sexually compatible, and that's okay, right? Um marriage doesn't require anyone to perform every sexual act their their partner wants. And understanding a fantasy doesn't create an ob obligation, obligation to fulfill it. And so some couples may agree that certain fantasies are better left to the in the imagination, and other couples may negotiate and experience involving a professional. I highly look, I highly look, this is this is what I would do. Um, if I I do not believe in bringing in people like friends, and this is just me, friends or anyone who's connected to you. If you're looking for an outlet, like, oh, why don't we just involve the neighbor? Or like, let's just involve your best friend. That can get really messy really fast. And I think it's just better to seek professionals in the adult world because we don't have an attachment to you all, and it's a transaction, and we know, you know, we know that this is what's, you know, you're paying for this. We don't have any connections after this, we'll we'll all walk away. When you start involving friends and close, you know, friends and neighbors and all that stuff, like that can get really complicated. I'm just I'm just being honest, and I've seen that. Um, and so some may discover that the difference reveals a deeper incompatibility, like I was saying, that you know, um Q and you both may have different types of fantasies, that may be something deeper that that's that conversation is bringing um about. So um and there is no single arrangement that works for every couple. Um, every every every every dynamic looks different, you know. What matters is that both people knowingly agree to the relationship that they are in. And so an open relationship requires both to know it's open. Okay, a professional experience um may be something that one marriage um may consider. Um it may be something that instead of cheating, that's something that is an outlet to use. Because a lot of times, like even with cheating, like the other person is seeking something. So maybe a safer route that can, you know, um keep both people safe if you're comfortable. It's just going to the professional world, you know. So every couple creates their own boundaries, um, but those boundaries cannot always be honestly negotiated if no one even has the conversation. So that's why I always preach open convers or having open conversation on here, because that's the biggest piece of cheating and and stepping out and being dishonest is that people are not talking and they're not speaking up, they're not being honest and not telling their partner what they really want. So I don't think the healthiest question is simply, do you have fantasies? Right, almost everyone has an imagination. A better question is, do you feel safe enough to tell me them? There's a big difference, right? I provide a safe place for my clients to feel safe telling me their fantasies. I let them know I'm not gonna judge you. It's okay. Um, tell me what's on your mind, right? So that question is not only about sex, it is about trust. Can your partner reveal an uncomfortable part of themselves without being mocked? Clients also seek that with me. Can can can can they tell me their fantasy without me laughing, right? Can you listen without assuming that every fantasy is a demand? Can your partner accept that listening does not guarantee participation? This goes for the guys, right? Like if you tell your wife something, she doesn't have to participate in it, even though she was open to listening, because again, everyone has a preference. Can both of you d discuss boundaries without turning the conversation into blame? Can some couples avoid these conversations? Um, sorry, sometimes couples avoid these conversations um because they're afraid of what they might learn. They're afraid of learning the truth, right? Um, and I'm speaking to women this time, I think, because I see a lot of women find out that their partners are watching porn, right? And my question to you is, did you even ask them? But a lot of them don't. Because I always look at the comments, right? When they ask, oh, like, did you ever ask or did you ever talk about porn? No, no, I didn't, we didn't, we've we've never talked about porn. But why? Because is it because you didn't want to get the answer and you just assume he wasn't watching porn, or you you just put that in your head that he would never do that? Uh I I and I've done this before, I'm guilty, I don't do it anymore, of um looking at a man, right, and assigning an identity to him, even though that may not be the truth, or just glazing over the truth and kind of putting my version of who I want him to be in that image in my head. I think a lot of women do that, right? We we see sometimes we'll see a man for who we think he should be and not who he really is. And so not actually wanting to hear the truth um could hurt our egos, just like men as well, how their egos may be hurt by um certain, you know, actions or whatever. So, um, and a lot of times men do tell the truth. They do, we just don't like the answer. So um, but learning the truth gives both people the opportunity to decide what they can accept and what they can explore and where their boundaries remain firm. And so silence may delay that the decision, um, but it doesn't always resolve the underlying difference. So if you have a fantasy you've never felt comfortable discussing, or you're trying to understand something your partner revealed, you can book a pepper's perspective. These are private one-on-one audio conversations where we discuss relationships and fantasies and desires and communication, or the adult world or um, the adult content, adult discussions without judgment. Um, and I just want to be clear that Pepper's Perspectives is not therapy, it is an educational conversation informed by my experience, speaking with thousands of men about the parts of themselves they rarely reveal. And you can book your session at spicyspectrumpcast.com. I also discuss this topic during Spicy Spectrum Live, which happens every Monday from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on TikTok. The link is in the show notes. Um, where if you miss them, you can also view the video replays, which are available through What He's Thinking on Subset and Spicy Spectrum After Dark on Patreon. You can also listen to the audio replays at spicyspectrum podcast.com. So you can become a spicy supporter on um one of those um platforms. And also please make sure to check out in my podcast, my YouTube that we've been um posting weekly on. So spicy spectrum podcast on YouTube, there's there's um long form content, there's shorts. I post in the um here's like a feed, like I'll do surveys over there. Um, and you can participate, you can comment under videos, you can ask questions. Like if you want me to cover a certain topic, feel free that if you watch a video and you want me to make an episode that I haven't made yet, you can do that as well. So all comments are are welcome. So all right, so to close um with what we've spoken about, a fantasy, and I'll leave you with this a fantasy does not include someone's wife. Sorry, a fantasy that does not include someone's wife does not automatically mean she is unattractive or inadequate or unloved. Fantasy is not always replacing love. Sometimes it's giving someone temporary permission to explore a part of themselves they don't associate with their everyday life. And the real issue is not whether someone has an imagination, the issue is how they manage it. So do they communicate honestly? Do they respect the relationship's agreements? Do they allow their partner to make informed decisions? And do both people feel safe enough to talk about desire without assuming that every fantasy must become reality. And so understanding someone's inner world um does not require approving every choice they make. But sometimes the the conversations we avoid reveal the most about who we are. So I'll leave you with that. Thank you so much for listening to Spicy Spectrum. If I see you during Spicy Spicy Spectrum Live on Monday, I'll see you there. If not, I'll meet you right back here next Wednesday. So thank you so much for joining me. I'll see you, same spicy channel, same spicy time.