One of the most important questions I've asked men over the years isn't what do you want? It's why haven't you told your partner? The answer is rarely as simple as people assume. Sometimes he doesn't trust her. She can expose him. Sometimes he is being dishonest. He's hiding from himself. But sometimes he has already imagined the rejection before the conversation ever happened. Welcome back to Spicy Spectrum. It's your dream girl, Pepper Cat. And today we're talking about why some men never tell their partners what they truly want. I recently wrote about this on What He's Thinking on Subsec, where I translate the patterns I've noticed after years of hearing what men say privately. And this conversation is not about excusing deception. It's about understanding why someone may find it easier to tell an adult professional or complete strangers something they have never told the person sleeping beside them. What I've learned is that the secret is not always the fantasy itself. Sometimes the biggest secret is the belief that nobody is his real life in his real life will understand it. When a man hesitates before he may reveal a fantasy to me, I often hear the same concerns. Or she may think I'm weird. Or I don't think I I don't want her thinking this is who I am all the time. I don't want to ruin what we have. And that is super common. They always give me a heads up. And some ask whether I have ever heard of the fantasy before because they need reassurance that they're not the only person who desires it, which in many cases they're not. And after years in the adult industry, very little surprises me anymore. When I hear those statements from my clients, I don't automatically hear a strange or broken person. I hear someone who is terrified of being misunderstood. In a world where a lot of us are sexually immature and not honest with ourselves, we're not honest with other people. A lot of people lie. And a lot of people are not as honest like as we like to believe. And he may be, he may not be afraid of the fantasy, but he may be afraid that once he says it out loud, it will permanently change his identity. It may ruin his reputation, but especially change his identity in his partner's eyes. And if he enjoys submission, for example, will she stop viewing him as masculine? If he is attracted to men or trans women, will the will will she question their entire relationship? Will she walk away? If he has a race play fantasy, what what will her friends think, right? Will she believe that fantasy represents all that he all all of his real life values? And I get this a lot with me too. I'll have guys into race play and they'll preface by saying, Hey, just to let you know, I'm not racist. This makes my dick hard. And I actually believe him. Um, the ones who are racist actually tell me and they have no shame. Like they don't care. They straight up say, Hey, I'm I'm racist and I like race play. And I'm I'm just being honest. Um, others literally, it just makes their dicks hard. A lot of um kinks and fetishes, there's no deep meaning for some of them, is even if it's taboo, even even with age play, I'm not justifying it. It literally just makes their dick hard. Um, and uh that's just how it is. Um, he may enjoy humiliation. Um he may be thinking, well, will she bring it up during their next argument? Will she tell my friends? Will she tell her mom? Um, will she tell her friends? The fear is not always, will she say no? Sometimes the fear is will she never forget what I told her? And I'm just gonna add to will she use it against me? Right? And anonymous adult spaces can become the first place a person tells the truth. I don't know his family, I don't know where he works. Well, I know where some of them work. Some of them are public-facing, like I know where you work, but I don't care to share it, right? I want them as customers. I want to keep paying me. Um, I'm not sitting across from him at dinner tomorrow. I can't disrupt the identity he presents in his everyday life. Um, so that creates a very specific kind of freedom. He may tell me something after knowing me for only a few minutes, right? Um, that he has hidden from his partner for years, for 10 years, 20 years. I talk to a guy, he's been on one site for like 25 years, right? And he's never told his partner, you know, what it what he's into. He met me with or we met for the first time over the phone. He we only talked for two minutes. Like, you know what I mean? So um that doesn't that doesn't necessarily mean I know him better than she does. It does mean I have less power to hurt him. That is the that is an important distinction. And the person closest to you often has the greatest ability to accept you, but they also have the greatest ability to reject you. Um, and a stranger can miss can misunderstand you, and uh you may never speak to them ever again. I mean, I although I have guys who may, you know, continuously see me every year, every week, every month, there are guys who may just speak to me for the day and I never hear from them ever again. So I I can't hold that over their heads. If your wife understands you, you still have to live inside the consequences of that revelation, right? Especially if you depend on the public to validate your identity or who you are, if you're you're um like public facing, right? Or if you um are in an environment where what you're what um that your fantasy is socially unacceptable. On the opposite side of the spectrum, again, I've had, and I've said this in previous episodes, I have clients where they're in open relationships and they don't care. Their friends know, everyone else knows they don't care. But there are also men who come from environments where that is not publicly socially acceptable. Even though little do they know, their friends and family are also doing what they're doing too, which is kind of crazy that like people are so secretive. I'm just gonna be honest that we don't we don't realize that everyone around us, we're all we're all kind of pervs, like we're all freaky, you know, we're just a a lot of people are secret about it, you know? So um um I wanted to expand on an example. Again, I never share names or personal information about my clients, I reveal patterns. Um, so I want to share an example of what I mean when I talk about this certain topic, right? Um I want to talk about men who fantasize about other men. I get a great chunk of men, a lot of macho men, a lot of muscular men, macho men, tough guys, um, who are into being little bitches, being my bitch, but also they're also into other men and wanting to be the bottom, for example. I'm going to use the example of whites. I know I use race a lot, but it's I'm an ebony cam model, and I get a lot of different type of scenario, especially when it comes to race. So I'm kind of an expert in this because I see it all the time, and I think it's relevant to the conversation. So with my white married clients, um, or those who are not, and they're they're dating, right? Or whatever, they are, you know, these conservative, usually conservative, politically conservative, religious backgrounds, you know, family guy, you know, you know, he's you would never guess, right? That this husband is fantasizing about big black cock. All right. BBC. All right. Um, and I get a lot of men who are into that. And, you know, he's into other men, he's into being um overpowered black by black men, worshiping black men, worshiping their black cocks. Again, and this is for educational purposes, just to let you know. And um, you know, he's he's into um worshiping strong, stereotypical black men, um, and what comes with that. And so he may actually do this in person as well, or he'll just fantasize about it, right? And he's married, he has a family and children, and he tells me his fantasy uh about that, and about what he wants to do with a black man and that fantasy that comes with it, and he feels safe for sharing that with me as opposed to him sharing that with those in his community, right? Him doing race play or him him wanting to um sleep with other men, fantasizing about it, sexualizing about um, doing it in person, having a secret life, having double lives, like really actually doing that, doing that shit in person, um, using certain apps to meet up with certain men and and and telling me about it. Um, and so he feels comfortable living this double life and and none of his friends or family know about it. And so um that is something that happens where if that were to get exposed, and his wife and him get into an argument, and then she exposes his sexuality with the church community or um his pastor or who whomever like his information gets put out there now, he's exposed. He'd rather just tell me he he doesn't know me. I can't expose him for him being into other men while you know he's coming from a community where that's not socially acceptable, right? And he has a different um he has a different identity with me versus the outer world. And he doesn't want that to be exposed because that's that you know that that could ruin his reputation. So some men have partners who have openly judged their interests. Um maybe he maybe she made a joke about gay or bisexual women. Maybe she called a a a particular kink gay. Maybe she called a a particular kink d disgusting. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've seen women talk about men who like feed. Again, you can have your preferences for certain things, but do know that if somebody, a potential partner, looks at your social media or they hear you talking about something and or laughing at people who like to get pegged or whatnot, or whatever the case may be, they're not gonna be feel comfortable telling you what they're into. So I I would advise just kind of just not doing that and kind of see it's okay to just for certain things, just wait and see what your partner reveals to you and what they feel comfortable telling you. Um, because if they do hear you or see you saying something, they're gonna keep it a secret and they're not gonna feel comfortable being honest. Um maybe she said she would never date a man who watches porn. That's another thing I see online. And I'm I'm I'm gonna be honest, and I've said this before. Um, and I had again a psychology I've said this on the previous episode, had a psychologist um also say this as well that a lot of times women who have a problem with their partner watching porn are deeply insecure and you need therapy. I'm just being honest. I'm I'm I'm I'm just gonna say it straight up. I understand, look, I understand someone going behind your back and you discuss that you don't like that for whatever reason and he betrayed your trust and all that kind of stuff. But in terms of thinking that, you know, we want your partner or your partner wants to leave you for us, or that we or that he's he's watching us because you he thinks, you know, he uh is not attracted to you. That's not true. A fantasy is a fantasy, and a lot of times women take that personally. Um, and I'm just I'm I'm saying that as someone who makes porn, that it's just a fantasy and it's nothing personal. Do I think people need healthy ways of consuming porn? Of course. Do I think people should date people who are compatible in terms of watching porn or being sexually compatible? Yes, I do. But I also think that if you think porn is cheating or or that he wants to marry her or date her, I'm not even talking about cheating at this point, but he like wants to be with her. You need to go to therapy. I'm I'm I'm just I'm just being honest. All right. That's just my opinion. I know I went into a little rant, but that's like it's yeah. Okay, um, maybe she said she would um maybe comments, comments like that, that like porn is disgusting or kink is disgusting, um, or making a joke about pegging or whatever the case may be. Comments like that can teach someone that honesty may not be safe. Um, but they are also men who have never attempted the conversation to begin with, right? They they they create an entire rejection inside their head. They they didn't even try. Um, didn't even give the wife the opportunity to even, you know, tell tell you like she could be a freak, like just like you. Like, you know what I mean? Um, and so they decide what their partner will say, or they imagine the disgust on her face, or they they they they convince themselves that honesty will destroy the relationship. And then they use the rejection they imagine in their heads as a reason to remain silent and not speak up. And so my question is always did did you actually tell her? And you cannot say your partner rejected the real you if you never even allowed her to meet that version of you. And fear may explain the silence, but it doesn't always give someone permission to create a secret sexual life that violates um the relationships uh uh agreements. And there is still a difference between privately imagining something and acting in a way that affects another person's health or finances or consent, um, as well as the ability to choose whether or not they want to remain in the marriage or they want to get married or remain in the relationship. And so I've had these private conversations with married men, single men, men about who are about to get married, um, men in open relationships. And what surprised me is that permission does not always eliminate secrecy. So a wife may know that her husband um visits adult sites or sees escorts or goes to strip clubs or has subscribes to OnlyFans, calls a phone six line, is on is on a campsite, uh, may have a dominatrix. That was a lot, but those are like valid, you know, spaces and outlets. But he he may still reserve certain fantasies or conversations for someone outside the relationship. So even though she knows, he still may not even want to do that with her. And I know I had an episode where um I spoke about the opposite um in terms of um why he may not want to do it with her, um or why, you know, the wife may not want to do it either. So that's in past episodes if you're interested. Um and so that tells me the issue is not always permission. Sometimes it's vulnerability, sometimes it's shame. Sometimes a person wants one space where they don't have to explain what a fantasy means about their identity. And I don't believe every person must share every thought they have with a partner. People are allowed to have an inner world. The important question is whether that privacy has become the deception. Um, is he simply imagining something privately or is he breaking an agreement? Or um is he protecting an inner thought, or is he withholding information that could affect his partner's decisions? Um, like, or if you're in an open relationship, or you're not an open, if you're cheating, maybe she wants to be, maybe, maybe she wants to sleep with other people, and maybe if you tell her you can both have that kind of arrangement. You can't just cheat and her not and her be loyal to you, you know. Maybe, maybe, maybe she's having thoughts too, and maybe you both want something else, right? So those conversations can happen, but privacy allows someone to remain an individual. I don't think you have to spill the beans over everything, like it's okay to have your own identity, you know. Um, and I'm not saying lie, but you don't have to tell your partner everything if it's not harming them or hurting them. Um you can have your own life. That's what I'm saying. And deception when it happens, it removes another person's ability to make an informed choice. And those are not the same thing. I also want to say that some men love their wives deeply based on my observations, um, while feeling attracted to a physical type or dynamic that is completely different from their partner. So that may be an older woman. There are a lot of only um older women older women. On OnlyFans who make porn. There are a lot of old men who make porn. Like there is no age limit, okay, in this industry. Um, they may want an uh younger woman, they may want a woman who's overweight or bigger set, they may want a black woman like me, a redhead, a dominant woman. They may want woman, a woman with one arm. I'm I'm so serious, I'm not playing around. They may want a woman with, you know, who may look different. Um, and the attraction does not automatically mean his wife is inadequate. Human attraction is often broader than the person someone chooses as a life partner. So the issue is not whether another type ever enters his imagination. The issue is what he chooses to do with that attraction and whether his behavior respects the relationship he agreed to or not. And a fantasy often tells us more about the person imagining it than the partner standing beside him. And so the more conversations I have, the less interested I become in simply asking, why didn't he tell her? I think the better question is what made him believe he couldn't. What was it something his partner said? Was it religion? Was it sexual shame? Was it fear surrounding his masculinity or sexuality? Was it a previous experience of rejection with the partner? Or was he using fear as a convenient reason to avoid an honest conversation? That question is, I believe, is the most common based on my observation. And understanding the source of his silence does not excuse this honesty. It reveals what the couple actually needs to talk about. So instead of only asking your partner, what kind of fantasies do you have? I think it's better to try to ask, is there some, is there anything you're afraid to tell me because you think I'll see you differently? Or is there anything that you've never told me that's on your mind? Um, you know, something that you've never said out loud. And so those questions may reveal much more than the fantasy itself. I think listening does not mean you're agreeing. So if he says something and it makes you uncomfortable, that doesn't mean you have to agree with it or do it. Listening does not create an obligation to participate in what he's telling you, right? What what what kind of fantasy, what um he has, or what turns him on. It simply gives both people enough truth to decide what they can understand and what they can accept and where their boundaries remain firm. So if you have something you've never felt comfortable saying out loud, or you're trying to understand your partner and what they reveal to you, you can book Pepper's perspective. Though these are private one-on-one audio conversations about relationships and fantasies, desire communication and the adult world, or adult-related themes, conversations, questions without judgment. And pepper's perspectives, I want to be clear, it is not therapy, it is an educational conversation informed by my own experiences, speaking to thousands of men, um, married men, single men, divorced men, all kinds of men about the parts of themselves they rarely reveal. You can book a session through spicyspectrum podcast.com. And I also like to add that I also discuss this subject this past Monday on Spicy Spectrum Live, which happens every Monday at 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on TikTok. And that link is in the show notes as well. If you missed it, um, it drops on Friday. Video replays for every single episode um are available through what he's thinking on Subsec and on Spicy Spectrum After Dark on Patreon. You can also listen if you don't want if you don't care to watch it, you can listen to the audio at spicyspectrumpcast.com and feel free to visit all three sites and become spicy supporters. That helps to support this podcast and keep us going. Um yeah. Um also please subscribe to Spicy Spectrum Podcast on YouTube. We do have a YouTube, and I always produce three, oh sorry, not three, weekly videos, long form and short clips every single week. Um I drop posts on the community post, I drop monthly beyond the episode episodes, and those links are also in the show notes as well. So to close out, I want to leave you with this spicy bot. Sometimes silence feels safer than honesty because the stranger hearing the truth has less power to cause lasting pain. But silence also grows. So the longer somebody hides parts of themselves, the more impossible honesty begins to fail. And not every fantasy must be shared, and not every fantasy must become reality, but whenever there's secrecy, secrecy, whenever secrecy affects somebody else's health or consent or finances or understanding of the dynamic, the relationship dynamic, it's no longer only an internal fantasy. So here's a question I want you to leave with before we close out. Is there anything you are afraid to tell your partner because you believe they will see you differently? And have they actually rejected you or have you already written the ending to a conversation you never had? Thank you for listening to Spicy Spectrum. If I see you on uh Spicy Spectrum Live on Monday, I'll see you there. If not, I'll meet you right back here next Wednesday. Same spicy channel, same spicy time. XOXO, your dream girl. Thanks for tuning in. Um leave a comment, leave a review, give us five stars, subscribe, thank you.