Why would a man tell a complete stranger something he has never told his wife, partner, or closest friends? At first, I assume it was because he trusted me. After thousands of conversations, I realized it wasn't necessarily about trusting me. Sometimes honesty becomes possible because I'm a stranger. Welcome back to Spicy Spectrum. It's your dream girl Peppercat. And today we're talking about why some men feel more accepted by strangers than the people they love. I recently wrote about this on What He's Thinking, my SubSec series, where I translate the pattern I've noticed after years of hearing what men say privately. In the previous episode, I explored why some men never tell their partners what they really want. Today, this week, I want to focus more on what they may receive from the stranger they finally tell. Sometimes it's validation, which we've spoken about a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes it's attention, but often it's the experience of being understood without having to immediately defend themselves. There is a difference between being known and feeling understood. And when I say that, that means I mean that the people closest to you know your job. They know your family. They have context. They know your habits. They know your responsibilities. And also, most importantly, your reputation. They know the version of you that exists in everyday life, but feeling understood requires something different. It means having enough room to say something honest without immediately worrying about what that confession will do to your identity. In adult spaces, I've seen men hesitate before sharing a fantasy. Some may apologize or laugh nervously, some may whisper, some refuse to share their cameras or turn them on, which is okay. I don't care. Um, and they are not necessarily ashamed of me hearing it. They may spend years believing somebody should hear it. A stranger doesn't have decades of expectations that are attached to them. And I'm not, you know, for example, I'm not attending Thanksgiving, which is coming up soon. I'm for those in the US, to the America. Um, I'm not attending Thanksgiving, you know, with their family. I'm not speaking with his pastor. And she shoot, his pastor may be speaking to me. Um, I'm not going to confront him about the fantasy during an argument next month. Um, because I exist outside of his life, I in his everyday life. I exist um only in the fantasy world. He is temporarily, he can temporarily stop projecting his reputation with me. And so that can have that can make a stranger feel safer than somebody he has loved for 20 years. And it's not because the stranger knows him better, which I do know him, I know parts of him that he doesn't share, but it's also because the the the stranger knows him less in terms of who I have access to in his personal life. One of the biggest misconceptions about adult work is that people assume clients are only paying for sexual fantasy. And sometimes they are. Most of the time they are, but it goes beyond that. I like to dig a a little a little deeper than that. Sometimes they are paying for something much harder to find, which is acceptance. And that doesn't mean I agree with every belief or decision a client makes. Acceptance and approval are not the same thing. Acceptance can simply mean allowing someone to speak without immediately humiliating them. And a client may want reassurance that he is not the only person with this particular kink or fetish. He may want somebody to just listen to him and rant. Trauma dump, trauma dump, I'm not gonna lie. Or just tell me about his day, or he may want attention, he may feel lonely, he may feel bored. That's a big one. I just got home from work and I'm bored, and I need someone to talk to. Um, he may want to admit something confusing without being forced to explain what it means about every part of his life. And sometimes people call me for a fantasy, and other times the fantasy is simply the doorway into a much larger conversation. And so I want to share a pattern in the adult world with my clients. I do not share personal information, I only share patterns um and uh what I see. I don't share names. And um, you know, I get a lot of callers, so I I do phone sex. That's one of my offerings. And on on sites that allow it, I do age play. HPlay is still seen as taboo, is seen as socially unacceptable. Um, I understand why, but I still do it. Um, I'm very curious about the human mind, even if it's dark, the dark and light parts of humans. And I've always been interested um in why men do H-play. Um, and surprisingly, a lot of men do H play. Okay, there are a lot of them are into H-play, a lot of husbands with children uh are into H-play. And that's another conversation that I may make a separate episode. If you are a wife who has children and you are interested in that, I that can be an episode. Let me know in the comments. Um, so H-Play is really common among a lot of husbands with children. Um, a lot of men who have children in um the household, right? And so, you know, this is you know, this is a very serious topic. Oh, there may be times where um they're not harming children, they are fantasizing about it, and the sight of children trigger a thought and they call me about it, or they call me so that they can relieve themselves of, you know, um, and regulate themselves, to be honest. Um, and so I take a lot of H-play calls, and so with this comes a lot of men who are very skeptical of me and how I think and what and what I think of them. And so a lot of them with this particular fantasy are very hesitant initially. You know, um, they want to see if I'm judging them through my voice, if I'm on camera, they want to see my facial expression, they want to see my body language, they want to know if I'm uncomfortable or not. And so they want to know I'm not judging them. And they always keep coming back. In fact, there are not a lot of age play in um operators, there's a good chunk, right? Um it's very common though, it is a it's very common. Um and so they keep they keep coming back. And so they keep coming back because they don't feel like I'm judging them. I've heard it all, and um I'm not shocked by anything that they're telling me. And so they feel in a way accepted, right? They or then they feel validated, and so they keep calling me. And so they're not a lot of them may not feel comfortable do in in involving their wives because they rather seek a stranger for this particular kink. Like this is something that is something they want private and they don't want exposed. So that is a pattern I've seen, an example of what I've seen. And also, I just want to be clear with this since we're on the topic of HY. A lot of people think that adult content causes men to be pedophiles. I speak to pedophiles, um, or sorry, ex I guess pedophiles in jail. Oh no, I don't ask the pedophiles. But I also speak to men who have been to jail for pedophilia and they've come out. A lot of them. And I ask them questions. So I'm actually speaking to these men, a lot of you who are making assumptions aren't. Um, and so and I and I also um spoke to an officer about this who was on my show, and he he he also um said that fantasies do not um adult content in his line of work with sexual crimes, they don't cause a man to commit them. It was already in their head. Now, maybe it triggered a thought that was already there, but it's been there. I highly suggest you all listen to it. It was with um a former officer who is special who specialized in sexual crimes. And I was glad that he validated me because I've been saying this for years, and people have been pushing back on me when I say that adult content does not cause men to commit crimes, it was already in them and it triggered them. Okay. So um age play is is already in them. And let me say this too. There are more men than than who who you know, if you're a woman who you know who fantasize about children. And I think that's a hard pill for people to swallow. And I'm here to tell the truth. I'm tired of people lying about that on social media. Cut the BS. I'm sorry, I I I have to go into a rant because I know how people are. I bring up age play or certain kinks and fetishists, and they and they blame us for the behavior of men who commit crimes. All right. I've spoken to pedophiles and I asked them questions, and they were pet, they've been pedophiles for their entire lives. All right. So I just wanted to add that to it. I know, I know Pepper went on a little rant. Um, but I wanted to add that to it. But yes, so with this with H-Play, um I I get a lot of a lot of calls daily. I I there's not a day that I don't get an HP call from husbands. Okay. That's how I know. Um, so um many clients do not return because they found the perfect person when it comes to my sessions. They return because they found a place where they did not have to edit themselves. I'm uh I'm seeing the human raw side, even if it's dark. I'm seeing the dark human side of themselves. I'm seeing the vanilla side of themselves, I'm seeing the kinky side of themselves. I see everything. And so they can admit something embarrassing, they can admit something taboo, um, deeply personal without immediately being required to defend it. Um, and that often creates relief and it can also create loyalty. And so when somebody remembers his name or fantasy or the details he shared, he feels visible, he feels seen. And when a person who spends most of his life hiding that part of himself being remembered can feel deeply intimate. And that's why I always take notes. My clients, I always remember things they tell me. I want to keep them in mind for certain things. Um, and I I try my best. I speak to so many hundreds of men, I try my best, but I do the best that I can, okay? I try to check in. Um, and that um does not mean the professional relationship has become romantic. It means that it's a space that is meeting an emotional need alongside the fantasy. And this is part of the emotional labor that a lot of us do in the adult world, in the in the fantasy spaces. And the service is not always limited to what happens physically or sexually. It can also give a space, you know, where somebody wants to be um listened to or they want to be remembered or asked, they want to be asked the right questions, or um, they want to see if I maintain a certain composure and um I'll um to make sure that I'm creating an environment where someone feels safe enough to be honest, safe enough to be honest with me, safe enough to be honest with themselves. And I've heard from men who are caught watching porn or exploring a fantasy. Um a lot of times it happens, they always tell me their wife or fiance caught them watching porn, their girlfriend, um, when that wasn't discussed, or they discussed that as cheating, and he um he betrayed her, right? In terms of doing what they discussed that he wouldn't do. Um, and so, you know, some of these guys have promised they would never do it again. They were confronted in order to stop, then they became better at hiding it, which look, I'm I'm just I'm just gonna say this. Um for the my my clients, when their partner tells them to not watch something, do you know what they do? They don't watch it for a couple of weeks and then they come back. So um they're gonna keep doing it. Um, I've always said this and I'll say it again. Uh, I just think it's better to either if this if it's something that you can deal with and you're comfortable with, um, to allow him to have, or or or both of you, shoot, if you if you wanna, you know, do your thing too, um, have out, have outlets for yourselves. Like, you know, if you're a woman or man who feels like you need an outlet and your partner is okay with that, why not? If you're uncomfortable with it, instead of trying to change them because they're not going to change, just leave. Like a lot of times people are sexually in, they're they're not compatible when it comes to sexual experiences. And that's a hard pill to swallow that your partner may not be. And that was something that wasn't maybe wasn't discussed ahead of time. So, um, you know, a lot of them become better at hiding it. They the desire did not necessarily disappear, um, but the secrecy became more organized. Men do, they are sneaky. If if they do, like and I've seen it with my own eyes. Like, they're very sneaky, like, like they'll do anything to get to this fantasy. Um, different oh, I'm not gonna go into details, but like the amount of times people have tried to find me and how I'm like, What I haven't spoken to you and what where have you been? Like, who are you? This is crazy. Like, they they're they're very creative. Um, and I'm not saying every partner must accept pornography or pro professional adult services or even fantasy or or even a fantasy, right? Um, I'm not, you know, every fantasy someone reveals that doesn't mean you have to do it or accept it. Um, you are allowed to have boundaries and preferences. And you are also allowed to decide if a particular behavior is incompatible with the type of relationship that you want. Um, but immediate judgment that does not create a space where someone wants to be honest. And so when somebody expects to be mocked or shamed, they become less likely to tell the truth next time. And that doesn't remove their responsibility for deception, but it explains why judgment can push the behavior further underground. And there is a difference between saying I approve of this and saying help me understand what this means to you. Understanding does not require participation, it just it does not require forgiveness. You don't have to forgive them. It doesn't require abandoning your own boundaries, but it does give you enough information to make a decision based on the truth. And maybe you discover that your values do not align. Or maybe you establish a new a new boundary, or you realize the fantasy was not what you assumed. Maybe you decide to explore something together, maybe you leave. Every relationship will reach a different answer, and the point is not that everyone must remain together. The point is that clarity allows people to make informed decisions instead of reacting to assumptions. And so in my work, I ask questions, I ask a lot of questions. I'm nosy. I majored in I majored in psychology. I'm naturally intrigued by human behavior. So this is like I like I just love like just asking questions. I I told you, I talked to everyone. I told you, like, I talked to ex-pedophiles, or not ex-pedophiles, are those who are in jail and who are pedophiles. I've talked to um law enforcement, I've spoken to military men, CEOs, public figures. I've spoken to politicians, I've spoken to a lot of them, and I'm I'm so curious about their lives and why the hell are they calling me? Like, I'm so interested. I'm so fascinated by you being a perv. Like, what is this? What's going on here? Who are you? And so it's good to ask too, like, what what what draws you to this fantasy? When did you first recognize it? What feeling are you hoping to experience? And so those questions help me, help me understand what the client is actually looking for when I speak to these men. Um, and without that conversation, I would only be guessing. And I don't like guessing. I don't like mind reading. I like to know what's really going on here. And I sometimes wonder what would happen if more couples approached difficult conversations with enough patience to actually understand each other and understand the answer before deciding what happens next. And I Guilty of doing this. I'm not gonna lie. I'm I'm I'm human too. I've I've I've you know done that as well. And you know, feeling judged does not give someone permission to lie. Feeling accepted by a stranger does not make a secret relationship harmless or not wrong. If the behavior affects a partner's health, their consent, finances, or understanding of the relationship, that partner deserves the truth. And I believe that acceptance can can the more acceptance there is, the more honesty there is. But the person holding the secret is still responsible for what they choose to do with that. Um, and a professional can provide a place to speak. We cannot integrate somebody's identity into their marriage for them. Eventually, that person must decide whether they want to continue dividing their life and having a double life, right? Keeping secrets or become honest about what they actually need. I've I have clients who are honest with their wives about what they actually need, and they use me and and other women and men like me um to as outlets, and they have healthy relationships where they communicate and are honest. So it is possible, okay? I'm just being honest. So if you need a private place to discuss a fantasy relationship or situation that you don't feel comfortable sharing elsewhere, you can book a Pepper's perspective. These are private one-on-one audio conversations about relationships, desire, communication, um, adult content slash the adult world, um, and the parts of ourselves that can be difficult to explain. And Pepper's perspective is not therapy. I want to be clear. It is an educational, judgment-free conversation informed by my extensive experience speaking to thousands and thousands of men. You can book through spicyspectrum podcast.com. And I also discussed this topic this past Monday on Spicy Spectrum Live, which happens every Monday from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on TikTok. The link is in the show notes. If you miss this live and or you can't make it every week, the video replays are available on through What He's Thinking on Subset and Spicy Spectrum After Dark on Patreon, as well as audio replays at spicyspectrumpcast.com. And those drop every Friday. So please subscribe, become a spicy supporter. It helps to support this podcast. And if you don't know, we do have a YouTube page, Spicy Spectrum Podcasts. I drop weekly long form and short content over there. You can see my beautiful face, hear my soft voice, and also check out Beyond the Episode monthly episodes. The links are in the show notes. Uh, you can leave a comment over there, ask me questions, I'll feature it on the show. Um, it's a great way to communicate as well. Um, and I want to close out with this with this spicy thought. I want to leave you with this. Sometimes strangers feel safer than people we love. And it's not because we know they know us better, it's because they have less power to permanently change our lives. But acceptance does not mean you approve of a fantasy or you have to do it, and understanding does not require someone to abandon their own boundaries, it creates clarity. So here is the question I want to leave you with. Do the people closest to you feel like they can tell you an uncomfortable truth without having immediately or without being immediately mocked or exposed, heavy on the exposed, or reduced to that one confession. And here's another one. Do you feel like you have anywhere in your life where you can speak without editing yourself? Thank you for listening to Spicy Spectrum. If I see you live on Monday for Spicy Spectrum Live, I'll see you there. If not, I'll see you right back here on Wednesday. Same spicy channel, same spicy time. XOXO, your dream girl.