Welcome back to Spicy Spectrum. It's your dream girl Pepper Cat. And before we get into today's bonus episode, I have a quick announcement. And I know I didn't officially announce this, so that's why I'm hopping on here. Um because we Spicy Spectrum are officially in the final 10 days of the ABN awards in Las Vegas for the pre-nominations. And today, September 20th, was originally the deadline to get in to get in those pre-nominations, including for Spicy Spectrum. As you have been listening to episodes, you may have heard me mention it in between breaks, but I wanted to officially let you all know that they actually extended pre-nominations and the deadline is now September 30th instead of September 20th. So if you um so if you haven't nominated Spicy Sprexum yet, and you've been enjoying our show or the work that I'm doing, I would really appreciate your support. All you have to do is do it one time, and it literally takes five seconds. And I put the link in the show notes. I I would really appreciate it if you could before September 30th, if you're listening to this right now, I would really appreciate your support. Um, and helping us because this would be our third year going to the ABN Awards, and it would be the third official nomination for Spicy Spectrum to be represented at the ABN Awards in Las Vegas. And I would really love to go in 2027 and represent us there. And yeah, so I would appreciate that. And um thank you to those who have already voted. I appreciate you so much who have been voting every single year. I appreciate you, I always do. Um seriously, because I um I know that some of you have been listening to this show for a couple of years now, and thank you for sticking with me. Now, this episode wasn't planned, this bonus episode. I've had a difficult week personally, several things happening. It just like just feel like it feels like everything has been happening all at once. That I and one of the ways I've always processed things throughout my entire life is through art, is through creating, it's through writing, it's through making content. And I've always been this way. And sometimes this is me, this this this helps me get through things, right? Get through challenging parts of my life. And sometimes I have to take something I'm feeling and turn it into something I can understand and possibly a lesson for others. A couple of days ago, somebody asked me whether working in the adult industry has affected my romantic life. And of course it has, but the more I thought about the question, the more I realized that what I was feeling wasn't really about the adult industry. And I've gotten this question also from clients, I've get I get it from I get it on podcasts when I'm a guest, I get it every like every time someone finds out what I do, they always want to know if this has impacted my dating life and how. I'm on a date with someone and he gets up and he goes somewhere, and another man is watching, and he immediately comes over to talk to me, or I've had men wait until my date turns around to give me a look. I've had men, or I've walked past groups of men, for example, whether we went on vacation or whether we're just out, wherever the case may be, groups of men standing, and I've walked past men with somebody I was dating, and we knew what they were thinking. And sometimes those situations can be dangerous because if the person in the group says something, then I'm looking at my date, like, are you gonna say something? Or are you gonna or is there a risk of us getting harmed? Right. Um, and so that's that's happened a lot where um men have tested my dates. Like they have tested them. And it we have been put in uncomfortable situations where you have to choose between staying safe and standing up for me. I've had men essentially congratulate a guy that I'm with, dapping him up, you know, giving him the head nod, giving him the validation of being with me verbally or physically, um, that little acknowledgement that sometimes I give, you know, men give other men, you know, when they say, I see you, you know, and they kind of do that kind of verbally or like, you know, hey, like she's, you know, she's hot. And I see, I see that you're with her. And before I continue this, I do want to note that this isn't any this isn't about anyone in particular. I have experienced this with most men I've dated. And it's and I'm I'm bringing this up because it is a common pattern of my life that I've never really spoken about out loud. And there can be something validating about a man being with a beautiful woman. You're the woman other men are looking at. You're the woman that other men desire. You're the one she chose to spend time with. And you're the you're the one who gets access to her. And that's where I started thinking about something that I don't think we talk about enough. Sometimes a man can want the experience of a sexy woman because he's really he can consider that before he's really considered whether he has the capacity for a relationship with her or for her to stick around. And that doesn't automatically make someone like this malicious because he can really genuinely like her and he may genuinely care for her and he may genuinely believe he's ready, but the desire and the capacity aren't always the the same thing. And eventually that that sexy woman has become a real human being. She has feelings, she's she gets attached, she has expectations, and she has boundaries, and she has responsibilities, and she has a lifestyle, and she has things that she needs from a relationship. And I've encountered this where and all of in most of my relationships where you know something may happen, and I'll say something, and then the guy is like, this this woman is an actual human being. Like she she actually has feelings, like you know, you know, suddenly you're not just experiencing the fantasy version anymore. You're you're experiencing the the real version of this woman, and you're responsible for deciding whether you actually have room in your life for this person. And that's where things can get really painful because when you've been on the receiving end of that enough times, and I have almost the majority of my the majority of my relationships have been this way, you can start wondering whether somebody actually wants to know you or whether they want to know what it feels like to have you. And when you've genuinely uh let somebody into your life and you become open and honest, and then you experience what it feels like after that to be discarded, that can really feel incredibly dehumanizing, and it can make you feel like somebody got the experience, and then you were left carrying all the humanity underneath it, and so I recently got this question on social media where somebody asked me, well, what can a man do if he's interested in a woman who has sex appeal or who's considered sexy and who's considered the woman every man wants? And I posted about it today, and I wrote a subsect article as well, and that was a really good question. He basically asked, what should a man do if he's interested in a woman like this, but doesn't care doesn't currently have the capacity and how does he build it? And you may be thinking that too, like you may be interested in someone who's sexy and she gets a lot of attention, but you may be having doubts on how to approach her or if you should be dating her. And I thought that deserved more than just a comment. The first answer is that if you already know that you can't offer the kind of relationship a woman has clearly told you that she needs, I don't believe that you should be pursuing her just because you want the experience of her. Because she's still human. And that doesn't mean that you have to be rich or have a lot of money to date a woman like this, because the capacity isn't just around money. I'm talking about the emotional capacity of having this kind of woman in your life: the time, the consistency, the communication, the security, the emotional intelligence and the ability to make room for another person without resenting the fact that she has needs. Also, if you're pursuing a woman who gets a lot of attention, you also need to ask yourself whether you're actually secure enough for that. I have dated, and again, this isn't about anyone in particular. I've dated numerous men who have expressed their insecurities with me and how I've brought that out sometimes, like or they they they've admitted it, right? And I think the question is can another man look at the woman you're with without making it her problem, or can somebody flirt with her without assuming she encouraged it? Can you understand that other people wanting her doesn't mean she isn't choosing you? And can you be with the woman who is sexually confident without eventually trying to make her smaller because the thing that originally attracted you starts making you uncomfortable? I've had that experience where everything's great, and then they may make a comment or try to neg me and try to bring down my confidence because something about me made them feel like they didn't deserve me or that they wanted to make me be on their level. And so those are questions worth asking yourself before you deeply get involved with a woman like this, and maybe building that capacity means also going to therapy, or maybe it means developing more self-confidence, or becoming better at communicating, or maybe it means getting your finances together, maybe it means learning how to manage your time more and being honest with yourself about what kind of relationship you actually want. But I also want to be fair and say that sometimes you don't know the capacity until you get tested when you're actually in it, and you can enter a relationship genuinely believing you're ready and you discover that you're not, and I think that's human. Don't keep taking everything you enjoy from somebody while privately knowing you're already halfway out the door because again, she's human and she has feelings. Don't promise her anything in the future you know you can't provide just because you don't want to lose access to her. I think that's like one of the most important parts, too. And don't make decisions for her. And if anything changes, if anything in your life changes, if if if circumstances change, tell her immediately. Tell don't hold off and try to extract more time and then tell her when you're in too deep. Tell her what you can offer her now and give her the choice whether or not she wants to stay or not. Because that's something I've noticed, and I see this in this industry as well, with men who don't, who are not always honest with their partners about them being on certain websites. That I can see a commonality is that a lot of times a man may not be 100% truthful because he doesn't want her to walk away. And he will withhold information or something that he's feeling. He doesn't automatically tell her because he knows that if he tells her, she won't be around. And so sometimes that can create um a more difficult situation situation than it has to be. And so let her decide whether that version of the relationship still works for her. And she may even surprise you. Maybe what you assume was a deal breaker is something she's willing to compromise on, or maybe it isn't, and she walks away, and that's something that you have to live with. But give her the dignity of making that decision for her. And for any woman, I know you may be a woman listening who may have been listening to this and resonating to what I'm saying, and be wondering, well, how do I do it? How do I navigate a a life as a woman who is sexy, who's sensual, who may make who may make money off of her beauty, who gets a lot of attention. And I think we have a responsibility to ourselves too, because we cannot control somebody else's intentions, and we may not even know it. I cannot look at a man and magically determine whether he's fascinated by me or whether he has the capacity to consistently show up for me, and that's really scary. You can ask questions, and I think it's important to you. It's something I've learned as well, and that I'm still learning. You can communicate, you can pay attention, you can pay attention to patterns that you're recognizing. And you can think that you're making a good decision and you still end up getting hurt. And that's the painful part of dating, too. You don't know how it's going to end. And there is no dating strategy that eliminates someone from being vulnerable. But I do think that we can become more discerning about access. For me, attention isn't enough. Somebody coming up to me in public asking me for my number, which I rarely give people my numbers. If they come up to me, that doesn't impress me. I get men who come up to me all the time in public asking for my number or sliding into my DMs, trying to get my access, and I really don't care. I'm I'm not trying to sound sh shallow about it. I really don't care. Like it um, and I rarely do that unless I know you through somebody. And that's what it's come down to, too. Where I for I'm gonna be honest, when I date now, I have to you have to be a reference. Like I have to know you through somebody. Because Because of all of this too. And even that doesn't protect you. Um, but I do think too, just you know, being careful of who you give your energy to. And, you know, I'm used to attention, so someone thinking I'm beautiful doesn't tell me very much, right? Someone wanting to have sex with me doesn't make me feel good. Or, you know, it's like I hear it all the time. Someone watching everything I post doesn't necessarily tell tell me very much either. And I'm much more interested in what somebody actually does with their interest. Do they make room for me? Do they communicate? Are they confident? Do they initiate? Are they consistent? And when circumstances change, do they talk to me? Or do they quietly start withdrawing? Can you hear what I need without immediately treating my needs as a burden? And most importantly, am I paying attention to what actually to what you're actually offering, or am I filing, or am I filling in the in the blanks with what I hope this can become? And that and that often is a part of the fantasy too. What do you what what do you hope something is versus what it actually is now? And so that's something I'm learning. That's something I'm continuing to learn because there's another danger when you're attracted to somebody. You can become a focus, right? You can become so focused on whether they want you, right, that you forget that whether what they're offering is actually enough for you. And so those are two different questions. Something else I'd like to add too is that you may look, and this may say sound shallow, and I don't care. You may want to make things more transactional. And this brings me to something about myself that people sometimes misunderstand is that I like being spoiled. I've never really hidden that. Look, I'm not bragging. I'm just, I'm just, I'm sharing my dating life. I've been taking uh taken to taken on vacations internationally, nationally. I've been giving gifts, I like dates, I like experiences, I like when somebody makes my life easier because especially with what I do, I like when somebody takes the load off of me. I like sex. I like thoughtful gestures, and I also like tangible investments. And sometimes people may immediately reduce that to money, but that's not how I experience it. I've had different relationships where that investment looked completely different, and the form isn't really the point, right? What matters to me, and which is the theme for me this year that I've been upholding is reciprocity because I know what it feels like to pour all of my emotional energy, my sexual energy, my affection, my encouragement, my support into somebody, and then leave the relationship feeling depleted, like somebody sucked the energy out of me, and I don't like feeling that. I don't like feeling like everything was taken away from me and I was left with nothing, and they left with everything. So I don't want to repeatedly, I don't want to repeatedly have somebody walk away thinking they had this incredible experience with me while I'm sitting there trying to put myself back together. So that's why tangible investments, me personally, become one way I recognize care. And that's that's not somebody buying access to my body. A lot of times people think when somebody says, Oh, I I I value my partner giving me money, or I value my partner, you know, taking me on experiences. I I I value my partner taking me to nice restaurants. A lot of them think, well, you're just exchanging your body for money, or you're just exchanging your you know, body for purses and bags. Sex doesn't cost a handbag. You know, a affection doesn't cost dinner. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about wanting to feel that while I'm pouring into somebody's life force, because that's what I am doing. That's what a lot of women do. They pour into the the world's life force, men's life force. Uh, our energy is valuable, which is why the sex industry is never going anywhere. They're pouring into mine too, right? I want to make sure that I'm getting, I'm getting poured into. And maybe that's taking me out somewhere. Maybe that's helping me with something, maybe that's supporting what I'm building, and maybe that's a gift. Maybe it's an experience that we're sharing that I'll always remember long after the relationship ends. And for me, it's about not feeling consumed because as someone who was sexy, as someone with sex appeal, who may be curvy, who may get a lot of attention, a lot of people consume us. I don't like going into public all the time. And I I swear I'm not trying to sound conceited, but when I'm in public, I get a lot of attention and I feel consumed. I've I mean, it's I I gotta watch what I wear sometimes in certain places. I gotta watch people behind my back. It's just I have to brace myself for someone saying something sexual to me and me discerning if if if this is a safe situation for me, or you know, am I safe here? Is my body safe? I have to think about all this stuff, and so I don't want somebody to enjoy my body, my sexuality, my emotional support, my softness, and my energy while I slowly become depleted, and I want relationships where we're both adding something to each other's lives. And so here's probably the most vulnerable part of this is that when you experience enough relationships ending, sometimes you start bracing yourself. You start wondering when the when the that experience that you're having is going to end, and when the fascination wears off, when they see you as human. When does somebody decide they can't do this anymore? When does somebody who wanted you decide they don't have the capacity for everything that comes with actually having you in their life? And that's that can make attachment really scary. And people sometimes assume that if you're a woman with a lot of options, that rejection shouldn't hurt as much because everyone wants you, right? So it's so it's easy, it makes your life easy. You can always find somebody, and while that may be true, another man wanting me doesn't replace something I actually cared about. And the attention from 10 other people doesn't erase attachment to one person, and this is why I say people don't view women like as human, they think that it's easy, life is easy, and being desired that doesn't make you immune from heartbreak. And I can know that I'm attractive and I can still get hurt, even though there are other men who keep asking me out, I can have options and I can still experience rejection, and I can make my value and still grieve somebody, and I can also be human and still wonder why somebody I cared about couldn't stay. And that's human. I don't want these experiences to make me less of myself, you know. I'm not gonna change how I look, I'm not gonna be less sexy, I'm not gonna change my my uh voice because it's very seductive. That's another thing. I have a seductive voice. Like I don't, I'm not gonna change my body or cover up my cleavage. I want to, you know, I don't want to become emotionally unavailable because of my experiences. And I definitely don't want to become bitter towards men because of my experiences. I want discernment. I want to get better at recognizing the difference between somebody being fascinated with me or or even the even the fantasy of me and somebody actually making room for me. And I want to stop treating desire as evidence of capacity. And I don't want to remember that me protecting my own energy that I have doesn't mean I'm never going to give it to somebody. And so it means that I'm being intentional about who receives that energy that I know I have because my my energy is valuable. I mean, people literally pay for my energy, you know? So um when I trust somebody, that means some that means something. You know, when I become emotionally invested, that means something. And so when I share my sexuality with somebody privately, that also means something too. And you know, after losing somebody I've given those things to, after that can hurt, I know that I eventually will be okay. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm just being honest. This is a fact about Pepper Cat. I'm just letting you know. Every time, and I don't know if this relates to anyone who's listening, I don't know about you, but every time I experience something like this, or a heartbreak, or something that's really challenging, I always come back ten times better. I use uh I I use the energy as fuel for my life. And so maybe the question isn't how do I stop people from wanting to experience me? Because I don't think I can. Maybe the better question is who has to demonstrated that they're capable of receiving the the experience of me without forgetting the human being attached to it. That's what I'm learning to pay attention to. And for the men listening, if there's a woman you're fascinated by, ask yourself whether you actually have room for the person behind the fantasy. And for the women listening, especially women who receive a lot of attention, you may be curvy, you may be seen as having sex appeal, you may get a lot of attention going out. Don't confuse somebody wanting access with somebody demonstrating the capacity to care for what you're giving them. Because none of us can guarantee that a relationship will last, but we can be more honest about what we're capable of giving of giving, and we can be more intentional about what we accept and more careful with each other's humanity. And that's where my head is today. Thank you for letting me process this with you. And one last thing to remember before I go, if you made it this far. Again, nominations were originally closing for the AVN Awards September 20th today, which is when this episode was released. Um nominations have been extended to September 30th. So if you haven't nominated Spicy Spectrum, and if this show has entertained you, if it's challenged you, if it's made you think or giving you the conversations you haven't heard anywhere else, I would greatly appreciate your nomination so that we can head into the 2027 AVN Awards in Las Vegas in January. So thank you for supporting me, and I'll talk to you soon.